Pre-Teaching Tantrum
So it’s no secret that our progressively failing economy is contributing to an exponential growth in the poverty class. So far the greatest common concerns have been centered on the 9.8% unemployment rate, and how this percentage is the highest Americans have suffered in 26 years. Though that is a depressing fact facing America today, there’s another concern I face daily, that I believe relates to the failing economy. I’m actually concerned about the scrutiny of an internet-based education system that goes beyond the classroom—as there are many assumptions that promoting online learning tools is detrimental to students without Internet access at home. That, to me, is infuriating. I think that by mandating even the slightest amount of online activity outside the classroom for all students, regardless of economic standing can, at best, better our economic situation, or at worst, prepare students for life in this failing economy.
Alright, before you tell me that my concern is baseless, or that I can’t connect an increase in our economy’s stability to assigned out-of-class internet usage, or that my concern isn’t even worth being concerned about, allow me to defend myself.
Right now, one frustrating rule for me as a teacher is that I am required to provide a hardcopy for any and all information related to my class to my students, under the assumption that students without a computer or internet access at home will feel emotional friction (contributing to feelings of inadequacy) because they do not share the same privileges as other students who do have such access. Now, that friction may be present, but I believe there is a better way to tackle such a concern.
Don’t be mad at me for anything yet, because I’m also acknowledging that the argument against my complaint is a very real and a respectable one. In fact, the most frightening aspect for me is to receive a call at dinnertime from an angry parent. But my fantasy-fear is more along the lines of an angry parent who accuses me for his or her child’s poor grade. Do you wonder how this could happen? Well, imagine this possible scenario: There’s a calendar on my classroom blog and forum, for students to access, where they can see exactly when all assignment due dates, quizzes, and tests are. So lets say the night after I’ve handed back tests, Little Billy is asked at home why he failed his test, and his answer was, I didn’t know we were having a test. The teacher posts all the dates online, and I hadn’t been able to get to a computer to see the schedule. So now Little Billy’s parents are embarrassed that their inability to provide their son with Internet access is reflecting in his grades, and are taking out their frustration on the teacher (yes this does happen) and I’m afraid of a parent accusing me of putting his family on the spot by making my students rely on the Internet to succeed in the classroom (which isn’t true, but they don’t always see it that way before they’ve made a complaint.) There is also the risk of word getting around to other parents at the soccer games or what have you, resulting in many parents being angry that I am not understanding of the less fortunate’s lifestyle. Basically, because of the very existence of my online calendar, I’m at risk for offending people without Internet access.
It hasn’t happened to me like that just yet, but it has happened to other teachers. Which is why new teachers today are taught to play down the importance of technology in the classroom—so as not to offend or humiliate students and their parents. But in today’s technological world, is that really a good idea?
And the more frustrating part is, I will always have the due dates listed on the board in the classroom well in advance, and tell the students that they are responsible for writing them down and keeping track of them. And I’m no stranger to the teenage logic. I know how easy it is for my students to have selective understanding, and choose what they focus on. I’m not going to lie, even when I was in high school it was way easier for me to ignore my own responsibilities, and blame my teacher’s classroom management for my failings, so I know that there will always be “Little Billys” that put teachers at risk for being blamed for (essentially) the students’ poor grades once in a while. I will in one way or another receive accusations of favoring the more privileged students, because there will always be those who strongly encourage me to spoon-feed much of my classroom information to my students while I hold firm to the idea that every student will only work as hard as they choose to, no matter how I design my class. (And for the record, I like to have everything posted online for when students decide they do want to take responsibility after they lost their hardcopy instructions in their backpack vortex. That way they can hop online at any Internet hub and access everything they need, regardless of where they misplaced my course syllabus.)
And since I’m on the subject, it saddens me that when I expect my students to be responsible, parents do not always respect that decision. Which is not to say “all parents” are that way. I do know that many parents would love for teachers to be more aggressive in preparing their kids to take affirmative action in their own education and time management. If I were the mother of a high school student, I’d hope that every mentor, teacher and role model to my child have a Yoda-esque impact on his or her life: a do-or-do-not-there-is-no-try appeal.
But for those few who still believe that handholding students to better grades (and killing trees) is the best way to prepare their kids to pass a class—which shouldn’t be the goal—but hey, different strokes for different folks, then I have a news flash for those people: I think that regardless of your lack of computer and Internet access, your child should be challenged to manage their time wisely by making use of the Internet access provided at their school, thus being able to participate in my classroom’s net-based activities and utilize my online organization tools—all of which are designed to improve the quality of learning, rather than be used as structural support for the lesson. And furthermore, I think parents should let me do my job—which is not only to teach my students English, but make sure that when they leave my classroom, they can take what they’ve learned and apply it to many of the obstacles and challenges they will face in the real world. I know English is not always the most practically applicable class for the majority of students once the diploma is in hand, but that doesn’t mean I can just sit by and let my class have little-to-no impact in the lives of my students’ futures, and that’s a fact.
And before I hear any whining about how unfair I am to force the less fortunate children to make extra effort to enjoy they same level of education as students with Internet access at home, why don’t you answer me this question: What’s going to happen after those students without Internet access graduate from high school and get out in the real world? How will they search for jobs? How will they best prepare their resumes? How will they send prospective employers those resumes? Sure, they can fax or mail everything in, but isn’t it true that people with the Internet at home are going to get their resumes and letters of intent emailed sooner? Don’t you think those who have internet at their fingertips will mass email their resumes to multiple companies, covering a greater amount of job territory, and thus diminishing equal opportunities for those being held subject to the tyranny of the pony express? Does that seem fair? Fair isn’t even an aspect of job hunting once these young people are out of school (and spare me the equal opportunity speech.) Fair flat out ceases to exist. It mutates into the dreaded reality—an ominous real world, which teachers like me are trying to prepare their students for.
That being said, when my students are out of school, if they still don’t have internet at home, they will at least have the experience managing their time and readily available tools to find access to the technology that will ultimately help them find work after graduation, and more importantly, survive the times when the unemployment rate reaches 9.8% (or higher, as I’m sure we’re headed presently.) But the point is: my students will know what it’s like to work hard to make up for any technological handicap in the job-seeking community or in college—when taking responsibility takes on a whole new flavor. They will also have enough experience to know how to appropriately communicate online, for they will have used critical thinking, and data-based support to engage in online discussions with their peers about various topics.
And how do I accomplish this? Simple. My lesson plans are designed to provide students with a diverse variety of literary and informational texts—which I will use to coach them in writing with a clear and narrow idea and to focus and utilize coherent collected data. My goal as a teacher is to guide them in researching a range of pertinent sources and to assess, produce, and present those ideas in a variety of venues ranging from formal papers to class presentations. But more than that, I aim to teach them how to develop confidence and have an understanding of oral and written conventions through engaging activities that build on prior knowledge and skills in order to strengthen their ability to read, write, and utilize oral language. These skills would also help them kick ass in job interviews, if you’ll pardon my expression.
But back to my goals, I aim to incorporate journaling and blogging on my online forum, specifically to improve my students’ online “bedside manner,” or a net-based je ne sais quoi, if you will. And this instructional “tool” allows them to have the illusion of anonymity—which for teens in the moral stage of development is conducive to employing confidence in classroom-like discussion, without having to worry about the opinions of their peers. Their claims on the classroom forum can be asserted as firmly, or as subtly as they like, and the best part is, they don’t have to participate if they choose not to (though I do award fractional amounts of extra credit per response to their peers’ posts on the forum to be applied to their worst test scores—and this is only to promote participation.)
Now, going back to the topic at hand: have I effectively made a case that a failing economy is contributing to a sour outlook on an internet-based educational system? It almost seems like the two sides feed off each other in my explanation, so maybe I haven’t; but what I’m sure of, apart from weather my initial point was made, is that perhaps we can turn this situation around. By encouraging greater emphasis on technology in and out of the classroom, and requiring all students no matter what subject is being taught and regardless of the students’ economic standing, the use of technology, even if it means making some students work a little harder (shocking! I know!) can make an active effort to combat the state of the economy, by giving the future of our country the tools to change, challenge, or merely survive the unemployment rate, and thus, better the economy—because it’s no secret that the more employed people making money there are, the better the economy will become.
Yes, I realize that this is not a be-all to end-all economic crisis contingency plan. But how else can a teacher join the fight to better the economy than to either teach economics or just better prepare their students (including the ones suffering the most from a failing economy) how to survive these times. And it’s hard to argue that the more online practice a student has, the more proficient that student will be using technology on a whole—which can only help a person in the job market.
And if you still think that it’s unfair to put so much emphasis on out-side-of-classroom internet activities, then, fine. You win. It is unfair. But let’s face it, I’m a realist with high expectations, and refuse to let anyone tell me that I’m the reason their child is sliding behind. I give my students all the tools they need to succeed. In class and out of class. And I even teach them how to use those tools, and how to better their own position. After that, my concern is focused on encouraging my students to take ownership of their own success. With that in mind, what does it matter if I expect all my students to at least try to apply themselves on a classroom forum. And seriously, the activity itself is actually motivational, resulting in my students wanting to get online. And since that is a fact, I try not to let nay-sayers get me down when they order me not to build my lessons around technology so much.
criptic greetings
Dear friends,
Though I loath to keep my thoughts bottled, I have to leave a message for at least someone to read. This is not a prequel to things to come, but a hint at things that may. Allow me to explain…
Green trees, livid skies, the smell of salt water, and cool rain have been burning my mind each night. In dreams of dancing gray-blues and dreary-greens that reflect my woodland seaside paradise, I wonder if I’ve made a mistake somewhere. My heart longs for the tall, grandiose parlor I’d foolishly rejected. Yet those vast emerald carpets of ferns and nettle, and pillars of hemlock are etched deeply into my soul’s memory. I’d been there before, tempting fate with short pilgrimages, only to turn my back on the wood that has called to me since birth. There’s a great picture window there, designed to glorify the sunset, a prelude to the maternal night. It’s decorated foaming curls and brine tapestries still beckon me, each slumber, to look out over that sea… especially whenever the dried, sallow fields and brittle rock of my self-imposed prison close in on my waking days and drive me into a claustrophobic sleep. A sleep fashioned only to tempt me with dreams of an inviting home. That yellow hell I’ve chained myself in has only grown more hateful to me, as the ice and death of winter reminds me that life slows down in a frozen desert. It’s a cruel fate I could never settle for. And after weeks of ignoring my dreams, I can’t help but wonder why I still aim for silken paper houses built on the red sun’s alter, when all I’ve ever wanted waits behind me in the rainforest of the free world. Where life is unavoidable, and the air always allows room to breath—how can I not give in? What spirit of the orient can offer me more than the rich earth and living stone that has called me from the land of mountains for years before the east side of the planet was even a glimmer in my eye? What can the concrete islands give me that I cannot get in the home that was created just for me?
But how do I take back five years of insolence? This earth must, by now, have given up on me—a prodigal child desperate to run to a metropolitan purgatory and hide. How can I retire to the emerald rapture, after I’ve fought the tidal draw so long? Maybe I can’t. What could my five years of distraction possibly offer me out there? I’m not sure now, but I’d be blessed for the chance to find out.
I refuse to be a prisoner of myself forever.
See you when I wake up,
Jenai
Answer for Yesterday’s blog…
So I heard on the radio a few days ago that thanks to digital camera technology and the ridiculous rate that people can now take and store pictures, Wal-Mart decided to cut prices on photo development to better serve those people who have several hundred digital undeveloped photos just wanting to be printed. You can take a little memory card, memory stick, or even the memory box from a digital device and print photos for around 15 cents a picture. I thought, hey! I have about 137 pictures from my best friends’ wedding that I really want to develop and put in a scrapbook. But the pictures were all on my computer! Not in a digital camera, so I went through HELL trying to find a way to print them! Wal-Mart is 11.9 miles away from my house, and due to really bad (see shitty) luck, I had to drive there three different times just to find out that there was no way in hell I’d be able to print off those pictures at Wal-Mart. The entire mission was almost a full day ordeal. Anyway, that is why yesterday sucked balls.
And I would have something to talk about today, but I’m too tired to think about it. I’ll just chalk this blog up to another waste of time and a lack of interesting thoughts.
Sicko
Well, my birthday party went swimmingly despite I got the stomach flu by the time I got home. I then spent the night fighting to stay hydrated. What luck. I didn’t get drunk though, I can promise that. I only had to buy one drink; in fact, I only had three total last night. Not enough to get drunk– not that it was a goal or anything. Let’s see, I wanted to have a themed birthday, so my friends and I dressed in our business conservative attire and went to the trendy Sushi Dot Com in downtown Spokane. I wore a pencil skirt. It was ridiculous. Here’s a couple pictures:
(At least the shoes were hot…)
Anyway, we made reservations for a party of ten, in which only eight showed, and one was so late that we had to order for him otherwise he’d not get any dinner for the kitchen was taking last calls. He arrived about ten minutes after we were served, twenty minutes before the restaurant closed, and just in time to eat while it was still hot. Talk about timing. You get one guess who Mr. Tardy was. That’s right.
Anyway, the eight of us had a pretty decent dinner, all things considering. I ordered the tempura dinner, but could only eat about 60% of it. It came with rice, soup, and salad, plus, I ate a piece of spicy tuna roll, compliments of my friend Jim. Taka bought me a glass of Okinawan beer, and I think Tatsu bought me a martini later in the evening, but Taka was the one who took the check from me. I couldn’t tell if he said he would pay for it, or Tatsu would, but either way, they both made it seem like an apology for leaving my birthday party early to go drink with their colleagues. I told them they didn’t have to apologize, but I would accept their offer to buy me drinks for my birthday.
All in all, I was pretty happy, even though the party was short lived and under populated. Jessy gave me a beautiful necklace that she hand made with real coral colored crystals, and Taka and Tatsu bought me really nice pink grapefruit products from the Body Shop that came in the most adorable little bag. I was also really happy that Chris from my writing classes came. It wouldn’t have been the same without him. So this what the entire party… nothing special. Just perfect.
From Left to Right and moving around the table: Andrea (the best roommate and friend in the entire world), Jessy (the other best friend in the entire world), Tony (the other other best friend in the entire world), Taka (the shyest guy I know, and definitely the silliest drunk I’ve ever seen), Tatsu (the latest but best-intentioned guy I know), Jim (the sweetest guy I know), Me (the worst photo labler I’ve ever known), and Chris (the coolest guy I know.)
I thank each and every one of my guests for making my birthday this year special. It would have sucked the royal big one if it weren’t for them.
This is my happy face.
I’m really tired of people asking me if everything is okay. No one dares to ask me that when I’m in a bad mood or upset, but holy shit, if I’m completely comfortable, happy, at peace, and content, watch out! Everyone who looks at me just *knows* I’m in a bad mood. What? Why?
I have a story to tell you. Lately I’ve been going to Zips every morning to use the Internet and have a cup of hot tea. I’ve gone every day for a while now, and each day I spend at least a dollar fifty for a cup of hot tea, so I don’t feel like I’m cheating them or using them for their Internet. But yesterday I had a particularly large amount of online chores to do and had to stay way later than usual; so I was there from the morning until the evening shift, and everyone I usually know who works there had since gone home. I had to deal with all new people who do not know me and are used to only serving the dinner crowd (young bratty kids and immature bratty college students). Not to be snobby, but I am definitely a breakfast crowd personality. You know, I’m there with all the old people who meet for breakfast and to talk about their aches pains, grand kids, and the falling economy.
Anyway, it was from the evening staff that I was unfortunately reminded that I have one of those faces that looks unhappy or pissed off when I’m completely the opposite. I mean, I got yelled at by a fast food worker. How often does that happen? The story is, there was an evening employee (a girl) behind the counter taking my order at the time (I wanted a new cup of hot tea), and while I was telling her my order, one of the other (male) fast food employees–one that looked ripe for a hemorrhoid commercial–stepped in as if he were in some kind of hurry to get me out of the line. (There were no others behind me–thank gawd.)
Anyway, I simply asked for “hot tea please.” That was it. Nothing rude or bossy or bitchy. Or so I thought.
Mr. Hemorrhoid asked me, “so do you want bottled tea?”
I said, “No, I said hot tea.” Now, granted, I did repeat my order a very tiny bit louder than I originally ordered it, because I assumed since he asked me if I wanted a cold bottled tea rather than a cup of hot tea that perhaps he didn’t hear me the first time, so I assumed speaking a touch louder would clear up any confusion. The guy looked at me angrily and ask, “then what size do you want?”
I was starting to get nervous from this guy’s attitude, so I slightly stuttered, “I don’t know, just whichever size is a dollar fifty.” I didn’t want to make my order more complicated than it already had become, so I thought perhaps explaining the price would get the message across. No luck.
Suddenly Mr. Hemorrhoid started screaming at me, “Hey, chill out! I’m gonna give you your tea, stop being so aggressive!”
I starred at him. What? Aggressive? When did I become aggressive? He was the one in a pushy nasty mood! When did I become the bad guy?
I looked at the girl who was supposed to be taking my order and she just starred back at me like, “what’s your problem, bitch?“
Flustered and insulted, I told her, “I’m not usually here in the evenings, but I come here every morning, and I’ve never had anyone asking me so many questions after ordering a simple hot tea…” I guess I was expecting some kind of understanding, but I got none. She didn’t say anything; instead she just rung up my order, which totaled more than a dollar fifty. Actually it was around a dollar sixty five or something. But she took my money and didn’t charge me more, despite the price on the register. I would have paid an extra fifteen cents if she asked me for it. But she was acting like I would start railing on her if she tried to ask me for the price on the register. I felt like I had the plague or was packing a 9mm and grenades!
I couldn’t figure out why the hot tea costed more in the evening than it did in the mornings. I couldn’t figure out why they offered more than one size in the evenings than in the mornings, either. Hell, I still can’t understand why those people thought I was pissed off when I wasn’t.
Then entire ordeal had me staring in complete confusion, which I guess looks like hostility to some people. I’m I really so angry looking?! I mean, come on… I didn’t shout or scream at him. I barely raised my voice just so my order could be heard over the crowd that was there.
I bring this up because it’s not the first time this has ever happened to me. It never fails; if I am quiet and enjoying myself, somebody will ask me what’s bothering me or if I’m upset/angry about something. It kills my mood every time, because basically the question lets me know that I do not look happy. And angry is never a flattering look, so I feel like they are calling me ugly (like my assumed mood.) It’s so draining. I want to look the way I feel, but more often than not I look the opposite. And the moment someone comments on my mistaken expression and emotion, I feel horrible and sometimes angry.
I have no idea how to fix the problem, but I’m sick of other people getting edgy because I look so severe!
I mean, even when I’m not happy, but definitely not upset, people think I’m mad as a hornet and avoid me or snap at me. If I wasn’t mad before, I am quick to become pissed off after.
I feel like I’m repeating myself, so I will try to wrap this up. And on that note, I wish there was some kind of “happy” plastic surgery that would make me have the opposite problem. It would be way more desirable to me if I were angry and have people read it as happiness, rather than the other way around. At least that way no one would get so touchy and aggressive around me because of a gross misinterpretation of my mood.
Point in case, I can admit I do not look happy when I’m at peace (and I’m totally relaxed in this picture.) I wish that I looked happier than this naturally. Really! I do!But I think my angry face is way more obvious than this one…
For example: unless my eyebrows are noticeably knotted, like in *this* picture, I wouldn’t assume I’m upset about anything. Can you see the difference between these two images? The above photo is content/happy/at peace… and this photo is angry. Yes, I know there’s little difference. Yes, I know that I have one of those faces… but please be careful not to confuse the two. We’ll all be much happier if no one accuses me of being pissed when I’m not.
Building the Habit
So, I just looked at my posting history over the last three months. It’s shameful. I’m usually much worse than that! It’s hard to believe that in three months I’ve only posted seven times. Well, eight including this one. So I’ve decided to put myself back on Rachel’s schedule to get my creative juices flowing. It will be difficult, since I’m on the road for the next four weeks and do not always have internet access. But for the days I’m net deficient, I’ll still write and post them when I can under the proper dates they were written. I think that should get me back on track. P.S., I can’t promise the substance of my next blogs will be interesting or funny or whatever. But I will write and try to make it intolerable. I mean readable. So for the honor of Grayskull, I shall now attempt to talk about something worth talking about.
I’m going on a diet today. I’ve decided that from now on, I’m not going to eat any foods that I could not find easily in Japan. This of course may make eating in general difficult on some days, but for the most part, I’m comfortable with that. I’ve been so nostalgic for my odd comfort foods that I’m willing to fast for them. It’s not that I’m anorexic or that I’m uncomfortable with my body. I’m not trying to starve myself. I just really miss Japan and the foods I love. I’m not technically dieting to lose weight. It’s more like a life style choice on my part… because I go through phases of insanity, and this is probably one of them.
Anyway, I can promise I won’t go hungry. I have a large U-Haul box full of Japanese food in my ex-roommate’s kitchen. I’m kind of living off of that. I decided I won’t eat out unless it’s food that I can find in Japan (i.e. subway, sans cheese, is okay.) Even though Japanese subway offers cheese, the idea of eating cheese is just too American for me right now. So I abstain. I think I will probably have to find a way into Airway Heights for dinner tonight. There’s a quaint little Korean/Japanese restaurant there that I love. Not because it’s anything phenomenal. I just like it because it is similar to the food my host mother prepared back in 2004.
I feel like I’ve talked about food a lot lately. You can’t tell, because obviously I’ve been neglecting my blog, but ask my friends. I’ve been a whiny bitch for weeks now about my disapproval of American cuisine and longing for a decent カツ丼.
I meant to type Katsudon. Sorry. Even my writing misses Japan. On that note, I have a a couple assignments to do for my TEFL certification course, so ta-ta for today. Hope to seeya tomorrow. Ciao.
Tattoos, WASP, & the state of Native America
Hello, and once again, long time no see. First I want to get an apology for my absence out of the way by saying, “You know, I’m damn glad that this is officially my last quarter in college so I never have to worry about taking another four week course again. They are too freaking time-consuming, and I don’t like them.” Okay, so that wasn’t really an apology, that was an excuse, but let’s get real here. I rarely apologize for what’s out of my hands.
Seriously, though, this last three weeks has been hell. (Note: I didn’t even sign up for the four week course until a week in, which made me 25% behind the rest of my class.) I’ve busted my butt, and the only time I had to write a blog… well, I decided to get a tattoo instead. It was my seventh tattoo, and of course, most people don’t even know I have any. They’re all hidden in very strategic locations.
Actually, there’s a story about the locations of my tattoos. A buddy of mine (back in Montana) told me I am brave for tattooing low on my hips. She thinks their locations are in a compromising area, I guess. Anyway, my response to her was this, “Well, I wouldn’t call it brave, actually. You see, the reason my tattoos are where they are is to hide them from the scrutiny of the male-dominated white Anglo Saxon Protestant society that shuns things like body art, masturbation, and minorities. So in a way, the placement of my tats are more due to my being a pussy rather than being anyone brave.” And that’s the truth.
Oh, and speaking of persecution and the WASP society… my Indian Studies night class was a touch tense this evening. There are five of us total, and the instructor actually graduated with me this year, so the class on a whole seems almost like a group-study, rather than a class, but I’m getting away from my story. Let me explain what went down tonight.
First, we watched a very mind-opening film about the persecution of indigenous American tribes and the raping of their religions. (Rape is my word to describe it, not the film’s. I just want to make sure no one thought the film was overtly pretentious; in fact, the film was diplomatically presented and very insightful.) Anyway, basically, what we learned was that the religious freedom that America boasts about is available to everyone except the Natives. This film was two hours of non-stop examples of how religious freedom does not exist for American Indians.
The kicker for me was that the Pope in Italy decided that the Apache’s worship grounds on Mount Graham in Arizona were not really holy grounds, and that the site was no more a religious and ceremonial location for the Natives than a common ant hill, and therefore the Catholic church would be justified in building a telescope (The Vatican Observatory) to study the heavens there, thus taking away a very important landmark from the Apache.
After the film, the five of us and our teacher discussed how when dealing with other religions, we must always remember to keep an open mind. I have to agree, because obviously the Pope didn’t have an open enough mind to recognize a legitimate religion and give it the respect it deserves. Before this film, I thought the Pope was generally respected for his acknowledgement of other religions, but now all I can see is how he completely passed off the Apache’s faith, mostly on the grounds that they had no tangible proof of religious practice. But how could they? Many indigenous tribes’ religions are oral based traditions. They do not put the same emphasis on tangible proof and material goods, like the idol-shunning Catholics do. (Does anyone else see the irony here?)
Anyway, again, I’m getting off topic. So the instructor (who is half Native and half Catholic), the atheist student at the back of the class, me (who is a spiritual person), and the Christian girl to my right held the floor for most of the conversation while the two other classmates kept their heads down and tried to become invisible. The instructor, who was raised Catholic and Chippewa, brought up how important it was for him to remember that Christian and Catholic does not equal bad people, when considering his Native background. He said it was still difficult for him to be comfortable with the idea of the Christians and their treatment of the Natives, especially after discussing the Vatican Observatory. I can’t blame him for his biases, because the Vatican Observatory is just shitty and not fair.
I had to agree with him openly, and mentioned that I have many Christian friends who are by no means bad people, and often find myself trying to beat back my own biases whenever they remind me of the Christianity—mostly because of all the negative stigma the word carries. And then both the teacher and I agreed that a select few Christians have given our Christian friends a bad name through their racism and close-minded behavior, acting in the name of the religion. The atheist in the back of the class agreed and said that there are just some extremists out there who are too busy telling everyone else how wrong they are in their beliefs.
But then the Christian gal to my right started interrupting with a stress elevated voice. She said something along the lines of “it seems to me that this conversation is taking a very negative view of Christianity, and it’s no better than what is being done to the American Indians. There are problems on both sides here, and I think this conversation is starting to boast of how horrible Christians are, when we’re not! There are many of us who would never do anything that horrible ever. I don’t think it’s right to talk about how bad Christians are, as if they’re all bad!”
I asked her, “Who said Christianity was bad in here?” No one had said that once, and we were trying to say that bad extremists who happened to be Christian were causing negative reputations for the rest of their faith.
She tried to answer my rhetorical questions with, “Well…” And that was all she could answer with. I smiled that she even got the “well” out. We were not insulting her faith. She should never have gotten defensive… but then again, she did because she heard what she wanted to hear, not what was actually said. It didn’t end there, though.
Next, the teacher asked the quiet girl in the corner what she thought about the issue, and she said, “This is a very difficult situation, and people will always say how much better their religion is—”
The Christian girl cut in, “I wasn’t saying Christianity was better—”
Atheist guy cut in, “She wasn’t saying it was you let her finish—”
Quiet girl in the corner agreed, “I didn’t mean you at all!”
By this point I had totally shut up for these reasons:
I hate when people play the victim card when they start misinterpreting a conversation to be insulting or critical of their personal choices in life. The Christian girl was trying to act as if she was the only one who ever had to live in a world of religious scrutiny and contempt, when all of us in the room has had to deal with it at one point. Her reaction was so angry in response to our conversation that was attempting to reach a high point on the very idea that Christians are getting a bad rep due to the hierarchy that is acting as spokesmen for the greater majority of their faith.
We were actually saying how the world would be a better place if the non-Christians would remember that what we see on TV is not a proper representation of the Christian faith on a whole, and to try and break our anti-Christian biases. But the Christian girl in our class was not going to listen carefully, for she was much too busy martyring herself on the classroom alter. She was so busy making a scene that she couldn’t realize that we were not criticizing her religion, but were trying to remove negative stigma from Christianity and resting it solely on higher powered people who just happen to be Christian and just happen to mar the perceptions of their religion. But oh well. It’s not like we were giving credit to her faith for her sake.
Hell, most of my family is Christian. I don’t think they are bad people, but their religious beliefs are definitely misrepresented by some very nasty people who hog the media limelight. When I say that Christians get a bad rep, it’s for their sakes, mostly. And I was kind of insulted that my attempt to participate in a conversation aimed at taking the heat of Christianity ended with a Christian insisting that our conversation was unfair and totally criticizing of the religion. I had that, “Gee, see if I stand up for your faith again” feeling. If it weren’t for my own Christian loved ones, I’d not give a damn about the issue.
I kind of feel like there are too many “good” Christians that are a little too quick to cry persecution sometimes. I mean, my class was discussing the very serious and current persecution of the Native Americans. In this country, Christians hold the most power, so this girl’s attempt to cry persecution after that video seemed really disrespectful. Christians might have been persecuted at one time or in other places, but in America today, they are the privileged.
I wanted to tell her to “shut up, we’ve all felt like you do at one point, but this is not the time or place for sudden soap boxes; and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t insinuate that the rest of us are dogging on your beliefs. No one is shitting in your church, so stop misunderstanding us. If you don’t want to discuss the Natives’ persecution and the state and situation of Christians as a result of it, then leave.”
I know there are many good Christians out there… but even some of the good ones, like certain members of my family (or even my annoying classmate), do things that really irritate me and make it harder for me to kill my own personal biases against them. It’s not that I hate most Christians, but I do feel uncomfortable around them when they start talking about religion, whereas talking about religion with non-Christians is always a relaxing, insightful, and a delightful joy. But never with Christians. It’s stressful, irritating, painful, and ultimately leaves me feeling less educated and unfulfilled.
If anyone can explain to me why that is, I’d be thrilled. Thanks.
Anyway, that’s all I have today.
Reintroductions & Who I’ve Become
Lately I’ve talked with people on Facebook who I’ve not spoken with since my initial escape from Montana; friends like Justine, Andrew, Beth and Audrey, just to name a few. It’s not like I was running from these old friends, it’s more like I was running away from a Jenai I never really liked back in high school. I knew I was unhappy and felt that leaving the state was my only way to find peace with myself. But in doing so, I left many friends who (at that time) I felt I was undeserving of their friendship. After all, I subscribed to the philosophy: If I can’t love me, than what reason would anyone else have, other than pity? Sad theory of life, I know, but maybe I’ve grown? I hope I have.
recently started dialogues with after these last fi Anyway, this blog post is for those who knew me before college, and who would like to get to know me again. I’m not the same person I used to be; I can only imagine what fine people all of you have become since we’ve parted ways. No one remains a child forever, so I hope to reacquaint myself with all of you whom I’veve years. I must confess, three out of my five closest friends from high school I have pointedly ignored. I’m not gonna lie, there were a couple people I wanted distance from. Graduating from Skyview made me realize how stupid my uneasy friendships were. I felt that the only reason some of us were friends was more out of obligation, and so people like Dawn, Lexie, and Christine seemed like a liability to me. I wanted to leave town fast, and to try and maintain a vanity friendship seemed like more trouble than it was worth, so I cut ties with three of my seemingly “closest friends” from Skyview.
The only two friends I felt were worth the effort to keep in contact were the only two out of the six of us whom I felt were genuine in their friendship with me. They are Cara and Julia, formerly of the [Sir Name Censored] clan, but now sport shiny new married names. But they still seem to be the same courageous women I was friends with when we were kids. I still talk with them the most out of everyone I left behind. I just wanted it to be known that among everyone I met back in high school, I could trust those two with even my faults, whereas I had to hide them from the other three girls. They never respected me as a person with flaws, so I felt justified when I fell out of touch with them. And I’ve never regretted it.
Anyway, it’s been five years, so what have I been up to? I lived in Japan for one of those five years. I’ve made friends with people from all over the world at the international university I attended whilst there, some of whom I miss so terribly that I’m planning my future around seeing them again.
First there’s Sabina [Sir Name Censored], Bosnian beauty from Sweden, and my first friend in Osaka. The first words out of her mouth when she saw me were to insult my sense of fashion. She asked me, “What are you trying to be? Japanese?” I looked right back at her and said, “I could say the same for you, but at least I have taste.” I think we’ve been friends from that moment on. Or maybe it was the fact that we were both smokers and could smell it on each other, but I’d like to think we had a moment of mutual understanding—that our personalities would work very well together. Sabina had a Turkish sidekick, too. Her name is Pinar. She turned out to be someone neither Sabina nor I really knew, so I won’t go any further about her. Though I will say that Pinar is very despicable in my opinion, but that is neither here nor there. And I wish to talk about the other people who have made a huge impact on creating the Jenai I’ve become today.
Next there’s the amazing Peter [Sir Name Censored], American Hot Shot. If I hadn’t censored his name, you might think it was a stage name; but no, he is really just that cool to have one of those “famous sounded names.” He also makes Tom Cruise look like Lyle Lovett. I’m not sure what it was about Pete’s personality, but his confidence in himself and his dismissal of people (whose opinions of him were worth less than a single grain of rice) impressed me. Not because of his bad boy charm, dashing good looks, or quick wit… but because through all of his outward egotism, there was a man that knew a little about how to handle life when the shit hits the fan. I felt like he had a cockroach’s survival skill. Nothing could bring him down, and I wanted to emulate that trait. I wanted to appear like I too had a mind of steal and the confidence to hold my head high… although I’m not as good looking, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to hold the same confidence.
Then there was Nathaniel and Gina, also Americans. From them I learned how to just be likeable for who I am. I’m not sure how they taught me that, or what specifically about them made me think, “hey! I can be a likeable person, too!” It seems almost kumbaya hippy stuff, but what I learned from them was slightly enigmatic and spiritual. I was drawn to their personalities, and wanted to be their friends even though I had little in common with them, other than maybe music and a love of the ladies. I miss them a lot.
Let’s travel to Egypt now. Zeina and Hana. They were two of my roommates during my time in the dormitory. Although I did not stay in the dorms for long, I made a very important friendship with both of these brilliant and compassionate women. I want to tell them my plans for Egypt, and will mention part of them here in this note. After I finish teaching English in Taiwan (more on that below), I plan to look into English language schools in Egypt. I know that I will never have the time or money to see the world while I’m still young, so I am looking into traveling under the pretense of finding work. I think I’ll just make a career out of traveling to teach English around the world. It may be the only way I’ll get to see my lovely former roommates again. Who knows?
My other roommates in the flat were Mika (Japan), Erin (America), Marlen (Dominican Republic/America), Rachel (America), and Sabina [a different Sabina] (Sweden). They also became very dear to my heart. I hope we can all meet again someday. Perhaps in Japan, if we can synchronize our futures and be on the same continent at the same time.
become, and the I’ve graduated now. I have a BA in BS, or more appropriately, a Bachelor of Fine Arts in English with a focus in Creative Writing. But instead of writing the next great American novel, I’ll do what most aspiring writers do… get a real job and most likely starve. As I mentioned earlier, I’m moving to Taiwan to teach English. I want to do it long enough to pay off my school loans, and perhaps learn a little Chinese. Before I do that, however, I’m writing a rather large article for a magazine right now. There’s no rules against posting a draft on Facebook, so I decided to come forward with some things that only a handful of people know about me, in order to share it with my Facebook friends. The article I’m writing also gives a great deal of insight into what happened in Japan that I kept a secret for about a year. It explains a lot about the Jenai I’ve become and a look at the Jenai I hope to grow into.
My next Note on Facebook will be the rough draft of my article, titled “Unmotherhood.” Since Facebook has privacy settings, I am comfortable sharing it with those who have asked me what I’ve been up to lately… and if they don’t want all the scary details, they are warned not to read on. Anyway, when my article is fully finished, I intend to have it published in a magazine or somewhere it would be appreciated. After my Facebook Note “Unmotherhood” I will try to write a few more notes that detail other adventures and life-changing experiences I’ve been through in college. Perhaps I’ll share them here in my blog as well. I hope that in posting my intimate stories, I can reintroduce myself to the friends in Montana that I never truly opened up to when I had the chance: when I was a child. I wish to step out from the shadows and perhaps strengthen old acquaintances and rekindle friendships with those who had shown me kindness in the past.
My name is Jenai. Pleased to meet you… again.
Americans are like snowflakes…
…Two might be the same, but for the most part, the odds of finding identical ones are like point-some-ridiculous-number percent.
Now, for the record, this is only a lame request to people who’d actually said (out-loud and in public) negative comments about Americans without thinking about what their words really meant and how untrue those comments were. Okay, now that I’ve said that…
I know it’s difficult to “hear” a person’s voice when reading the words online, but I would like everyone who reads this blog to imagine my voice the way it is intended to be heard (as if I should say this to my audiences’ faces.) Please read this post in a calm, caring, mother-like voice, that asks you to hear me out, and even possibly consider what I’m saying.
When I was attending an International University, I’d met people from many different countries. I’ve made friends in all corners of the world (pretend Earth has corners, please.) Anyway, I’m an American, but that has not stopped me from going out on the weekends and drinking with, for example: a Peruvian, Iraqi, Japanese, and European. Not once had this kind of mix of nationalities ever made me feel uncomfortable in their company.
But sometimes on campus, I would still hear MANY comments about how foul and ill-willed Americans are… and to quote some of that negative opinion, I have heard these phrases: “overly dramatic,” “too patriotic,” “loud,” “obnoxious” and even “stupid.” To those people (some of whom were American, themselves,) I would like to just ask you (please) not to generalize every American under those stereotypes.
For some people, being American does not mean being super patriotic or any other extremist stereotypes that so many people unfortunately see. For many of my American friends, being American means being born into a family and location (both of which we have no control over,) and feel grateful that we live in a country where family can become your friend and friend can become your family. Most of us cherish that we have the freedom to create our lives the way we want them to be. I’m not saying it is any better than anywhere else, I’m just saying for those of us born in the USA, most of us are happy with the American ideals we are mocked for by non-American American-generalizers.
And for the Americans whose families have not become their friends, I think that is because they didn’t work for it. America is a capitalist society: everything comes for a price, and hard work is necessary, even to attain happiness. That means we each as individuals must work hard and make sacrifices for those we love. America means freedom to my family and friends, and we have the freedom to be friends with anyone and everyone in a peaceful and loving environment. And I believe that my friends and family are just as quiet and considerate, non-violent (yet pro-active), caring, and honest as any other person from any other culture, so I’m a little offended by people who call all Americans “loud” or “rude.”
And to those people who have made many anti-American generalizations, I want to tell them that I’ve also been out in public with either those specific generalizers this blog is aimed at, or people from their same culture(s), and at times they had been far more outlandish and “rude” in Japan, than myself and some other Americans that were along with us. I’m not complaining about that, for its natural to lose your head for a moment in a stressful situation, and we’re studying abroad… stress happened often and came with the territory. But I never accused their entire nation of being a hot-head just because I saw them flip out once or twice.
Anyway, yes, some Americans are loud and obnoxious, and yes, my country’s global policies and choices have not been the best decisions ever made… but in defense of a country built on an idea of peace and freedom, I would like to say this: According to history, all of us come from countries that have made global mistakes, not just Americans. And most countries have grown and learned from their past errors. America is still young and headstrong enough to try foreign policies no one else has yet, to see if ANYTHING will work, and there has been failures, but that should go without saying. Please don’t hate peaceful US citizens for mistakes brought on by good intentions of current screw-up leaders. Yes the road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that, but all countries at one point in history were in the same boat; so I’m asking the people this blog is aimed at to stop pointing fingers.
Remember, there are good and bad people in every country. If you haven’t seen the good, than you are doing one of two things: 1.) Having bad luck, or 2.) concentrating on something that really doesn’t have any affect on your life, and are missing out on something beautiful in this world.
I ask those generalizers to accept everyone, even Americans. Don’t be blinded by anger for something a select few Americans have done, because other countries have the same type of people too, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. You don’t have to like the cliche of Americans, or what some of our leaders have chosen in world politics, but keep in mind there are still many of us who are trying to be an example of a respectable human (American not even being a thought in our minds as we do so,) and those Americans do exist. I would like to consider you as my friend, but find your generalizing, not offensive to Americans in general, but offensive to me as a person who just happens to be American by birth… someone you’ve spoken with as a fellow classmate in Japan… Remember, we were both in an international school at one time. We weren’t there just to learn Japanese, we were there to learn how to open our minds.
*That last paragraph was directly intended and directed for/at the several people I met in Japan at school who made so many negative comments about Americans, that I’d never heard them say anything else. Luckily for me, they thought I was Swedish, and just kept running their mouths. I didn’t bother to point out that I was American, because obviously my nationality was not wanted. Oh well.
Mysterious Writers Paychecks and About Me Blues
So I joined an online community for writers that supposedly pays members for their articles today. But I haven’t figured out how I can make that money yet. So now I’m trying to figure out my member profile. I hate “about me” sections. Do writers really need them? Is a section like that even necessary on a community full of authors? Isn’t everything an author writes a sort of convoluted interpretation of self in a grammatically challenging chaos of ideas? Anyway, I don’t generally know what to write in these things, so I offered a quick time line of my life.
Pre2003: Not Important.
2003: Graduated High School/Went To College.
2004: Ran Away To Japan For A Couple Weeks W/O Warning Anyone.
2005: More College/Nothing Too Exciting.
2006: Moved To Osaka, Japan For One Year.
2007: More College/Nothing Too Exciting.
2008: Graduated College
Post Graduation: Moving To Taiwan.
Although I said nothing before 2003 is important, I did leave a quick note mentioning that I’ve been permanently stuck in the 1980’s. And that’s all they need to know really. But then, in true online community fashion, the profile creator thing asked me a series of stupid questions that I’m supposed to write a unique answer to that truly paints a picture of myself for any guests to my profile page. I decided to only write clichés, since the best way to describe me is to say I’m just another stock character in someone else’s book of life… Here is a sample of the answers I wrote to all those questions:
My passion is …
a crisp drink on a hot day.
My childhood ambition …
was to communicate with whales.
My favorite memory …
must not be very memorable, for I can not think of it.
My inspiration …
is usually catalyzed by irritations and annoyances in my life.
There really is no easy way to write up a profile online. Either a person gets to know you or does not. An online profile is not going to make you any clearer to your acquaintances than trying to tutor them in Latin on quantum physics facts not yet discovered in this century. The whole purpose of online profiling is useless. Go to any dating site, the proof is in the advanced search link. Anyway, I wish I could figure out how I can make money off of what I write, but it’s just not working out the way I imagined when I first signed up. So I’m going to just play around with it a touch more and figure out just how much time I am wasting with it.
Cheers.
