Jenaicklefritz’s Weblog

This post is primarily a response to my friend Julia, who commented on the previous blog. Wow, did you go all out on this or what!    Thanks! I don’t think you missed a single point for commentary, and I appreciate that. (I love how thorough you are in everything you do.) Haha. Well, now I want to zero in on two points you’ve made, because I’m not sure, but I think they mean something important, and I’d like to rehash over them a bit and pin point how I can become a better date to a deserving guy…

Okay, point one: “an open person is apt to interpret a lack-of-communication as a lack of interest.”  I never thought of that, but it makes total sense. I’ve always been less talkative than most people (I have my moments like anyone, but rarely do just talk for the sake of talking.) Do you think it’s possible that he feels I’m rejecting him because I am naturally contemplative? Maybe if I made a conscious effort to speak up more, he will “feel” that I am actually in to him?

On a side note, my aunt actually talked to me about the same thing, only instead of it being communication focused, it was public display of affection (pda) focused. We were actually talking about her boys and their girlfriends, but it redirected to me, because I made a comment that my whole life I never understood why people would do anything “relationshippy” in public, but recently have had an opposite sentiments. She didn’t pry into what I meant be the comment (thankfully) but her conclusion was this: Most people will feel rejected if the date does not make any effort to do any pda. I remember I was immediately depressed that maybe my own no-touchy-in-plain-sight issue was making Brad feel like I didn’t want to touch him at all. Which is so not true. In fact, (against my usual) I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me when the police officer was talking to us that third date, because I wanted to feel like he wanted to protect me. I know that sounds waaaaaaaaay strange and absolutely un-Jenai-like, but the feeling I had was so unlike me and strange for me that I actually just stood next to him, debating on whether or not it was socially acceptable to grab onto him like I needed his support that way. (I am nearly positive I am unfit to be a normal girlfriend after typing this all out. I love how much I learn about myself when I type. It’s scary but useful.) LOL

Okay, point two: “If you knew him through a friend, would you invite him to meet your family after three dates? It does sound very hard not to know much about his background or have anyone else who knows him to talk to him about. That definitely would be hard! But if he’s basically said he’s not ready, then rushing things could turn him off.” Okay, I agree that I should not rush things because it may be too soon for the both of us, but when it comes to my former boyfriends, all of them met my friends and family really quick, because one, at least someone I knew knew the guy too. But because this is totally different, I don’t know how long to wait before I ask him to meet my family. I decided before I ever starting the online dating thing that I would invite a guy I liked/met to meet the fam. after 5 successful dates. That sounded reasonable to me, because it worked in the past with dates I met through mutual people. So why would this be any different? But then I thought of another problem, which I fully intend to ask Brad about, but I don’t want to ask him until our next date, but… I want to know if the fact that we met on an online dating site makes him ashamed to tell people about me. The only reason I wonder that is because when we went to his house to pick up his dogs, he asked me to stay in the car because he didn’t want to have to explain me to anyone. It didn’t hurt my feelings that he said that, because I interpreted it to mean that it was too soon to invite the date into the home in general (as I wouldn’t have invited him into my house at that point,) but then I wondered later as I became more interested in him meeting my aunt and uncle if maybe he was just apprehensive about telling anyone that he met me online. Online dating is still so new and there have been more flaws with it than the old fashion way of meeting people (of course, statistically speaking, it’s probably an equal balance of success and failure, due to the fact that online dating just opens up the number of people you can meet…) but anyway, I digress.

I guess because it was so easy for me to tell my family, “Oh, by the way, I met a guy on Match dot com who seems promising, and I’m going out to meet him tomorrow, is that going to ruin any of your plans?” that I never thought that maybe it would be harder for him. So I want to ask him.

And on that note, I wonder if he will be patient enough with me to learn that once I feel I know someone better, I can be just as blunt and straight forward as he is. I mean, I know I come off as the ice queen when people first meet me, but that all melts away pretty quickly under the proper conditions. One sure fire way for the ice to shatter is for the guy to meet my family and friends and have them receive him warmly. I know the “bros before hoes” doesn’t exactly work for me (and I’d never take it to the extreme for which it was intended) but there’s a bit of truth in that phrase for me which says that if my friends and family like my date, then my judge of character is still in tact. I think I have decent judgment of who a person is, but I still like my opinions to be challenged, and having Brad meet my people would really help that process along.

And it doesn’t help that the one and only girl my age that I know here also met her current boyfriend a few weeks ago online (MySpace), and already she has met his family and he’s met hers, and they hang out his friends. This girl is also from out of state and just moved here for work, and the creepier part still is that her online date also works at an airport, just not the one Brad works at. (I can’t remember if I mentioned that Brad works for the airport or not, but yeah, he does.) Anyway, so I just met this girl, Jessica, yesterday. She works with my aunt and so naturally, we got set up to meet, based on these similarities:

*we both just moved to Texas.
*we both are dating guys we met online who work at the airport.
*we both are living with family until we can get on our feet.
*we both are 24 years old.
*we both don’t have any other friends besides our families and online dates.
*we both are fresh out of a recent long-term relationships, before starting over online.

So what does this tell me? Well, besides telling me that working at the airport somehow directly correlates to looking for love via the interwebs, it tells me that my situation is not unique and that maybe my little bout of essay writing on the subject could do more than just me some good, so I shall continue to write my chronicles of online dating, because not only is it extraordinarily therapeutic for me, but maybe someone like me might happen along my musing and get a figure out what it is they might be doing right or wrong through my successes and failures.

Alright, so talking with Jessica, I’ve learned this about her: she’s still hasn’t totally fallen out of love with her ex and hasn’t let her new beau in on that little tidbit, because obviously there’s something about the new man that has her heart aflutter. This is interesting to me, because I honestly believe I am so far over my last long-term relationship that I shouldn’t have anything holding me back in my dating experience.

And herein lies the irony: The way Jessica described the relationship she has with her online date made me slightly envious. She’s got pictures of the two of them together on her camera already and they do stuff with each others’ families. They already are in that comfortable stage, even though she’s still holding on to her past love, and even going to see him (he tragically had a recent/bad car accident and is in ICU) and her new guy is understanding that she’s going to drive the six hours soon to see her ex.

Then there’s me. I have no such strings holding me down… no emotional attachment to my ex, and yet I didn’t just fall into a easy zone like Jessica and her guy. I have a couple theories on why that is.

First, it’s because Jessica has a job. Granted I just got one and start tomorrow, having a job gives a girl a work schedule to work with. So when she has her days off, she can devote them to dating without feeling a twinge of guilt that she could be doing more to settle herself. Every date with Brad I’ve been on so far, I’ve had this underlying guilt that is reminding me that I should not be enjoying a great guy’s company while my life is still so up in the air. Now that I have a job though, and know my days/times off, I feel I will be able to enter a date now without having other cares holding me down.

Second, as my dear friend Julia (Q) mentioned in her comment to me the prior post, my most recent and long-term relationship with a cross-cultural one. And therefore the rules of dating were completely different. Apples and Oranges. Jessica and her past and present guys were all American, and only played by the American dating constructs. My most recent relationship was not so clear cut in the rules of engagement, and all my other relationships were not taken seriously by me, so I have less to work from, experience-wise. I think that although I feel I have no emotional ties to my ex the way Jessica might to hers, I have psychological chains in place from dating a man from a culture that prides itself on it’s ability to survive without direct language. And by that I mean, compliments, I-love-yous, most forms of direct talking about problems, hold little meaning next to affirmative action. It was the post-culture for “actions speak louder than words.” And our relationship just happened to be non-pda based, as well. In a round about way, I could say that this relationship was completely the opposite of what a typical American relationship would look like.

So yeah, I think I need to relearn what it’s like to be American. I am American, but my entire college life was five years of working as an international peer advisor, or living in Japan, or basically studying world cultures and religions, and if you think about it, college is so global-centric, that it’s easy to forget what makes you culturally unique from everyone else. I’m sure that’s a shitty excuse for being such a dunce at dating, but in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I forgot how to be an American in some ways. Not that I’m claiming to be Japanese or anything stupid like that, but then again, Texas is so different from Washington state, and America is so different from every other country, that I might be having a slight identity crisis right now… haha.

Here’s what I’m pretty sure of right now, in regard to myself:
1.)    I’m 100% American; I love my country, and appreciate it more, since I’ve lived elsewhere.
2.)    I have no idea how the typical America girl (trying to find love) behaves with her date(s).
3.)    I was wrong about my opinion of pda. I want to experience it, I just don’t know how to go about doing it without embarrassing myself.
4.)    I might be ready to sacrifice my ego on that alter of embarrassment.
5.)    I absolutely want to create a stronger relationship with Brad, and let him see how highly I think of him.
6.)    I don’t know how to laugh anymore.
Number six was interesting to type, because I didn’t have to think about it. It just typed itself, which frankly shocked me. I deleted it, then typed it again after a moment of contemplation. I mean, I can laugh and do… but I’m starting to think that my laughter purely reactionary, and I can’t just laugh for the sake and joy of laughing. I tried it. I failed. It’s really weird to discover that you’re incapable of something simple. But I honestly can’t laugh without first being introduced to something I comprehend as being funny or happy.

This realization actually pleases and terrifies me. It pleases me because now I feel that I will never be faking laughter. For Brad that’s a good thing, because I will never laugh at him if I truly think he’s not funny. That’s showing honesty, and I really want to play up how honest I am. But the terrifying part is this: I thought laughter was supposed to be an easy, natural thing. If I can’t just laugh for the sake of laughing, then what else can I not do for the love of it? I wonder if I’ll figure it out.

Well, that’s all I have for now. I may not have more to say about online dating until I’ve had another date with Brad. I’d love to let you all know how the next one turns out and if I come to any other conclusions about myself or about the bizarre and fiery hoops one must face in the world on online dating.

Until next time, dear readers. And please comment at will. I would love to hear your thoughts and see your discussions.

Because I’m not into the old fashioned way of discovering chemistry, I’ve decided to try my hand at online match making. Here’s the first installment of my experience (thus far).

So I wonder if I’m doing the whole dating thing wrong. Let’s see… I want to date someone, and met a guy that is so ridiculously sweet to me, I’m having a hard time knowing if it’s real. I know that I’ve not really had the enough relationships in the past to compare from… in fact most of my prior boyfriends were so unwilling to pay attention to me that I’m very unused to compliments and little touches here and there. I like it, but it’s so strange to me! And I’ve never been in a PDA relationship, so I’m trying to figure out where my boundaries could be if I would have some. I always thought I’d hate PDA, but lately I’ve been oddly hoping that my date would hold my hand or put his arm around me, and not be so careful of my feelings. And to top that oddity off, I wonder if my whole dating method is flawed because of my total lack of control over my life at the moment. I mean, I’m used to be the sole person in charge of my schedule. Now, I’m at the mercy of job hunting, living with family, and trying not to be too reclusive.

Okay, so let me tell you about my first few dates, and maybe you, my readers (all whopping few of you) could give me some pointers, and tell me what I’m doing wrong. I will try to tell you as much as I can, and as unbiased as I can, but keep in mind, I may be reading him all wrong, so here it goes.

So I meet this guy, Bradley, but prefers Brad, on Match dot com. He’s a doll, to put it mildly—very easy to look at face in an endearing kind of way. His personality is a little more sarcastic than I’m used to, and being as gullible as I am when it comes to indirect language, it’s hard to react appropriately to much of what he says, though I’m hoping I come off more cute than stupid.

So anyway, we first met at the Starbucks near where I live. It was an awkward meeting since I’d just officially moved to town (in fact, the day prior) and was supposed to go to my little cousin’s acting class with my aunt that night. So afternoon tea at Starbucks felt a little rushed to me. And on top of that, I didn’t drive myself and my aunt was going to pick me up, since I’m so not oriented to the busy Houston area roads.

So I lose points right away for being dependent on my aunt, which in turn makes me really nervous. That jittery nervousness is added to the fact that this is my very first time meeting someone I met online—someone whom I know absolutely nothing about yet, other than he has fantastic eyes and a smile that makes me grin like a fool. And let’s be real here, I’m a big-time blusher. Everything makes me turn crimson red, and so I spend the majority of our first date doing my best impression of a vibrating tomato.  Naturally, Brad picked up on the nervousness, and although I’m always a ball of nerves, it doesn’t usually show outwardly at all… so the fact that Brad was able to comment on my obvious state of social insecurity made it even worse for me. But Brad didn’t seem phased, so I was actually oddly relaxed with him while being a total nervous wreck. I can honestly say that his presence brings about a double whammy of emotions comparable to that of a Hindu cow and a chiwahwah recently released into the snowy Alps.

As I mentioned before, Brad has a tendency to use sarcasm and make little jokes to try to ease the situation. Which of course, I have little to no experience dealing with the crasser side of the English language. In all honesty, I would generally not like to date someone who is overly sarcastic, but Brad seems to get away with it without me getting upset. In fact, the only negative reaction I’ve had so far is to be confused or slow, which always (only too late) turns to relaxed humor. I’m sure Brad is getting frustrated with me for being a dumbass when he’s so on the ball, but that is purely speculation so far. Only time will tell if he gives up on trying to be witty with me.

In my defense though, all my friends are very literal and direct with everything, including humor. So I’ve never really had to juggle what fact and bullshit before. And Brad can be so incredibly honest looking while feeding me a line of bullshit, and I’m having a very hard time knowing what to do and how to react… but here’s the strange part, his way of thinking and speaking really cracks me up, but by the time I have processed what he’s said, he’s already pouting that I’m not laughing at/with him! At least, that’s how it feels. I want to tell him that once I figure out what he’s saying, I think he’s extremely funny, if not a bit ridiculous… which in turn creates this endearing quality about him that I seem to be attracted to, though I’m not sure how to tell him without making the awkward moments worse.

I mean, I’ve failed to convey all positive sentiments back to him, and he often says things like “yeah, I’m not very funny,” or “I’m a terrible story teller” in response to my lack of response. I want to argue with him, but he seems so down that I’m not sure how to alleviate the situation. I really envy him at times, too. He’s very quick to speak, whereas I’m very careful with what I say and how I respond. If I could type everything I’m thinking, it would come out much quicker, and clearer, I’m sure. But unfortunately I don’t have the luxury to communicate via text when we’re sitting face to face. So I guess I’m going to have to just practice not staring blankly ahead while I try to catch up to a humor I’m not used to participating in.

So despite the awkward first date, Brad was enthusiastic about asking me out again, and of course, I wasn’t going to say no because of my own retardation. Plus I was confident that the next date would be way easier, because now I won’t be so nervous. It was a good date, as far as I could tell, but still Brad made comments that I should relax more. I was actually very relaxed. First he took me to a café downtown for breakfast. It felt so much like the Seattle area that I wanted to kiss him for making me feel the most at home I’ve been since graduating from college and moving to the one State that could possibly be the arch nemeses of the state of Washington. Later he introduced me to his dogs, two beautiful boxers with the sweetest temperament. I instantly fell in love with them and started missing my own dog, Chola. I had to give her away for those of you who missed that part of my life. Anyway, Brad and I took his girls to the dog park, and they ran all over, enjoying the great day and playing with the other dogs. After they thoroughly wore themselves out, we took them home and went to the Galleria and the big water wall. It was a beautiful day, and we had fun just hanging out. I was still a little nervous, but it was more an easy nervousness, because I am an awkward girl by nature, on a date with a super cute, overtly flirtatious guy. So I didn’t think he saw me as being completely ridiculous.

But by the third date, I began to wonder if maybe I was wrong about his opinion of me. I don’t want to be viewed as a dishonest, hyper-skittish, over-protected girl with a nasty family and a tendency to pass out from vertigo or dehydration, but I’m pretty sure I’m coming off that way, as our first few dates have had been so out of my normal zone.

Anyway, before I jump into the third date, I’d like to catch up on all the things I’ve learned from the dates so far—organize my thoughts, if you will. Allow me to do a quick recap to center myself:

Brad has beautiful eyes and very kissable lips; he drops compliments like no other, and never misses a beat to say something cute to me. He also makes comments that are purely double entendre (but what guy doesn’t?). He’s clever, and I’m not used to being the slow one when exchanging witty commentary about life. So I feel I may have met my match, or worse, became retarded—an affect I’m sure has to do with his charm. In all seriousness, I’ve never felt so mentally slow around a guy. It’s like his smile is actually causing my I.Q. to drop. Very embarrassing… I mean, I have a BA in creative writing! A degree such as this one should come with it some semblance of creative and quick thinking. But when I’m with Brad, it’s a miracle if I can say one logical sentence correctly and without channeling a White Uakari. What’s up with that?! I’m usually so confident and sure… I have a personality that is separate from being totally ditzy and high schooly!

Sorry, digressed. The next notable thing about Brad is that he may honestly think I’m pretty, as he even used the word gorgeous on more than one occasion. Again, all the previous relationships I’ve been in have never had any foundation in flattery. I was the proverbial pageant girl as a child, a rebellious nightmare in my early teen years, a big girl/art nerd as an older teen, and then in college I was a very social, outgoing, smart woman with a steady boyfriend (well, when we weren’t on-again-off-again) a boyfriend who paid me no compliments, and only stuck around because we were too comfortable to change, except for the fact that we were planning on the four-year fling to be finite after graduation. Come to think of it, I may have never dated anyone I ever intended to have a lasting relationship with. I wonder if that bothers me? Anyway, the previous doomed-from-the-start relationships were fine with me while they lasted.

But Brad… he showed up during the time when I’m deciding to date with some degree of permanence. How do I handle his appreciative gaze when I am so unprepared to enter a real relationship? How do I respond to him when he tells me what he’s thinking? My ex(’s) never did that! So what am I to do with this? I have to give myself a crash course in normal communication, and proper dating behavior before I ruin my chances with a normal guy. At least, that is what I think I have to do. I might be wrong, and he still could be more of a nut-job than I am. I mean… I’m an recovering alcoholic/smoker, and a writer, who thinks too much, talks too little, and understands next to nothing. And here I am going on dates with a guy who suddenly makes me want to suppress all my quirks—quirks I used to own more gracefully than I seem to lately.

The worst part is Brad is seems absolutely concerned that I’m a nervous wreck all the time. And who could blame him? I’ve never felt so unsure of myself in my entire life! And I wonder… is it just because I met him on an online dating site? Is it because I don’t know anyone else who knows him that could vouch for him—say he’s golden? He is someone I want to get to know in a more personal level, but since I know so little of his background and him of mine, I’m worried that my carefulness with him is going to ruin a potentially good thing! The chance of him being someone I should be guarded around is slim to none, and I know this. So why am I acting so weird?

And I would like to invite him to dinner so my family can meet him, but I’m afraid he is unwilling to let me meet his friends and family, and I know he isn’t ready to meet mine because it’s still too soon for that sort of thing and comments have been made lightly that he isn’t ready. But on the other hand, my neurotic family would be less over-protective if they knew I knew his people and he met mine… but I don’t know how to tell him that, because he seems so willing to let it just be us for a while.

I like the just us part, but its hard to get to know him if we’re not ready to meet each other’s friends and family. And since neither one of us live away from family, it’s hard to spend quality time together without the whole tribe being involved.

I might also be a nervous wreck because I don’t know what I’m doing. As I’ve mentioned, I’d never met a guy that I didn’t know through someone else first. That does cause tension… more on my family’s part than my own, but their tension is making me over analytical of what I’m doing, and how he’s reacting to me. On top of it, I didn’t want him to know how many small medical issues I have that actually put a damper in my life, such as sudden dehydration for no good human reason. Past experience told me that the guys I usually date don’t want to date a girl who could get sick at any moment… which is what happened on the third date. I tried to cover it up but just got worse and sicker and before I knew it, I was being questioned in a not so happy way. And by that I mean he drug the answer out of me. After being forced to tell Brad what’s wrong, I not only looked like an ass, but a dishonest one.

The whole date just started off terrible. But although I think I really upset him, he was still extremely considerate of my heath and feelings, and tried his best to make me feel better—an act of kindness I’d never have expected from anyone. It made me feel worse in a self-tormenting way, like I didn’t deserve his tenderness. I mean, I almost know he was upset a little with me. I kept getting the feeling like he was looking sideways at me, as if trying to decide if he would want to put up with me any longer or not.

I’m also worried he doesn’t realize how appreciative I am of all he has done in the last three dates. Not to really talk myself down, but it takes a real saint right now to put up with me. And he seems to be doing everything right, and it’s just me that’s fncking up.

Anyway, the date ended with the police asking me out of his car to see if I was okay. Which was the second most exciting part of the date. They were looking for car burglars in the area, and we were sitting in his car talking when they questioned me. It was a shot of adrenaline I needed to get control of nerves enough to fight back the illness I was experiencing. (The best part was when he kissed me to make me feel better, though I couldn’t admit that to him, for whatever mental reason I gave myself at the time…)

Anyway, I tried to get together with him since that third date, but we just wouldn’t have enough mutual free time. And this weekend he’s going to a concert out of town, so I’m not sure when I’ll get to try and fix any damage I might have caused to our could-be relationship.

So yeah… in case any of you are wondering, online dating is not any easier than the old fashioned way. Easy to meet new people, maybe… but the dynamics of the game are alien.

That’s all I got for now.