The Symbiotic Age Organisms and Their Hosts

April 2, 2009 at 6:05 am (Uncategorized)

No time to apologize for my absence. I’ve a matter of inconsequential importance to discuss. It would appear that Age is not only stalking me, but using me. Oh, I know; it’s deplorable. I’m offended that this is even worth blogging about. I’m twenty-five—ish. That’s a quarter the age of my great grandmother, who is a century. A quarter!

In monetary value, that’s a mere sofa cushion away from death! And I’m too young to get old or be the pawn of Time! But alas, that dastardly malfunction in youth is creeping up on me. Point in case—tonight I brought up the IOWA BASICS in my pedagogy class, and my teacher commented on the “archaic” concept the tests were founded on, and how standardized testing has come a long (emphasis on the “loooooong”) way since those “many” decades ago that the IOWA BASICS were used. Decades? The crippling test anxiety spawned of the IB’s still haunts me and feels like it happened only yesterday. But no (emphasis on the “noooooo!”) My “yesterday” is only accessible through academic archeology digs. Silly me, for not being young enough to be unfamiliar with the IOWA BASICS. Like many of my classmates seemed to be. Lucky them.

So of course, this little revelation did not come alone. Like Misery, Age too loves company; (it’s why old people play cards on Thursdays and discuss denture paste and hip replacements. None of that is fun or particularly scintillating, but the company is more or less pleasant.) Next point in case—my best friend from high school texted my cell phone after class because Utada Hikaru (Japanese R&B singer) was on the radio in Bozeman, MT, of all places. This is an amazing step in the global direction for a monochromatic town such as Bozeman. To think there would be any worldly flavor there! True, my best friend and I had wanted this day to come since we were chit’lans in high school… but it wasn’t until she asked me how “long” we’d waited for something like that to happen that the truth finally started to sink in.

Ten years! A whole bloody decade!

I was honest, and tried to be calm. I answered her, “all four years of high school, and the six—going on seven—years since.”

And of course, her encouraging response was, “wow, that makes me feel old!”

Without even thinking, I replied, “well, I do have that effect on people. The longer you know me, the older you get.” It was then I realized how true the statement was. So true, in fact, that I have discovered a biological anomaly within time and space—that Age is an entity. It has taken on some metaphysical symbiotic properties and is using me as its host to wreak havoc and liver spots on my loved ones!

The more I thought on the concept, the more I realized how true it was. I mean, even my dad for years has complained about me giving him gray hair, but I hadn’t realized that it wasn’t a crude metaphor, but a fact-based accusation. As the host for Age, I am to blame for his gray hair. And most likely his memory loss.

What I’m saying is: whatever causes aging in human beings is directly the fault of the Age symbiote’s host. And one of those Age symbiotes is using me! I cause people to get old. Don’t try to argue with me, I have proof! Every single person I meet who sticks around and talks to me gets older by the minute! Only people whom I don’t interact with on a daily basis seem to avoid aging. I mean, just the other day I ran into an old acquaintance who I distinctly recall commenting “hadn’t changed a bit since last I saw” him. True story. Yet I watch as everyone I keep near and dear, either physically or emotionally, wither before my eyes. And I know it’s because Age has cursed me with its leeching, parasitic ways!

I don’t know when it happened, but I know I’ll be avoiding sofa cushions for a while—if only to escape the loose change. At least until I can figure out how to keep from getting old, and preserving the youthful glow of my friends and family. I know I’m not smart enough (or understand enough chemistry) to create an anti-aging serum. But perhaps my discovering of the symbiotic Age organism (I’ll call it SAO from now on) will inspire some chemists out there to develop some kind of Bleach or Oust or Frontline for this parasitic SAO!

Just had to get that off my chest. Sorry to make y’all old.

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Jenai’s Chronicles of Balancing Capitol Building and Job Exploration

March 17, 2009 at 4:43 am (Uncategorized)

(The Sequel to Jenai’s Chronicles of Online Dating)

Well, since I’ve decided to put my online dating on hold for an unforeseeable amount of time while I try to procure a job which will entitle me to capitol beyond my capacity to earn thus far—I’ve decided to make a new chronicle series on my blog to keep me writing. (FYI, that doesn’t mean I’ll be on the ball, since I’m not sure if I’m coming or going these days…)

Okay, let’s get on with it!

So right. Basics, starting with basics! I’m enrolled in a pedagogy and professional responsibilities class for my teacher certification program that I’m betting is going to be a big-time repeat of everything I learned in my international teacher training program for TESOL, plus all the weird rules and laws the great country of Texas (ahem, excuse me, I meant “state”) might find necessary for pedagogical students to commit to memory.

Also, the class is a condensed version of it’s normal “semester” sister, meaning it’s twice as short, twice as crammed, and three times more stressful to balance with a job—especially a job that requires me to leave an hour and a half early to make it to work on time. Top that off with a work schedule that doesn’t allow for extra curricular (see homework) activities, and we have a winning combination.

Let me jot it all out to illustrate better what I mean.

NOTE: The early half of the day for the next few months is ALWAYS dedicated to one of these tasks, depending on the specific date: online test/quiz, teacher meeting, teaching job fair, job hunting, or program meeting.

Monday: CLASS DAY 6:30-9:30pm
Tuesday: WORK DAY 2:30-12:30am
Wednesday: CLASS DAY 6:30-9:30pm
Thursday: WORK DAY 2:30-12:30am
Friday: GAWD WILLING I GET THIS DAY FREE.
Saturday: WORK DAY 9:30am-6:30pm
Sunday: WORK DAY 9:30am-12:30am (double shift day)

I only pray I am left time to actually do the few hours of homework required for each class (that’s about 4-6 hours of computer based learning per week that I have to fit in with all my extra curricular activities and part time job)… and that doesn’t even cover everything. I don’t make enough money working at my job in Kemah, and so I’m running low on fuel! I have no idea how I can afford to drive myself to work and still manage to make it to my school, which is a good 40 minute drive from where I live, too.

Nothing is near by, and I’m wondering if maybe I should give my two weeks notice and go back to working in a private club, and make 500 dollar in tips per night… if I did that, I could dedicate the whole week to school and getting my teaching contract through an Harris County independent school district, and work Friday and Saturday nights, making the big tips, pulling out close to a grand a week by looking cute and serving liquor to guys who are wealthier beyond comprehension, and probably married while they enjoy the scenery and music… I know after my jobs in Japan I said I’d avoid that kind of work, being burned out and all… but I’m very sick of being broke and still having to borrow money to pay for stupid fees to take a million tests to get a sheet of paper that says I’m qualified to do something I’m already qualified to do in Japan or Taiwan… oh the humanity…

Wow, that was a bigass runon sentence, wasn’t it?

And does anyone else see the wrongness of me working in a private club (probably a titty bar) in order to make money so I can go to school to be a high school English teacher? Here’s the real kicker: If I made an average of $500 a night like my cousin does at the bar she works at, and worked four nights a week, I’d make an yearly tip income of 96K, assuming I don’t claim any of the tips… my teaching salary would only be 44K a year, minus taxes, and I would be working 5 days week.

Oddly enough, I’d rather be a teacher, making less and paying taxes, even though I could just as easily work in a bar for the rest of my life.

Here’s where I do the long-term responsible thing:

Cons of Club Work: no benefits, shitty hours, rude clients, I’ll eventually get old and my cuteness won’t earn me extra tips anymore, no retirement plan, possibly caught for tax evasion if I don’t claim my tips, and I wouldn’t… me+lots of alcohol=bad news, etc etc. Oh, and since I’m on the paranoid path: hepatitis. LOL

Cons of Teaching: could end up working for a title one school, and get shot by a student who thinks I failed him/her because of an imaginary vendetta.

Just for fun, the pros of Teaching: benefits, retirement, sense of purpose, summers off to work on my novels, can afford to legally buy a house and car without worrying if the IRS is hiding in my front bushes… Obama said teachers are cool.  Okay, that last part is not a pro, and is almost a lie, since I never heard Obama say teachers are cool. But I have the feeling he would say it, if asked. :P

Okay, I kind of lost track of what I was talking about, so I’ll go to sleep now. I have a list as long as my arm of things I need to do for school before I go to work tomorrow, and I really don’t have time to try and do all that on sleep dep. (I really wanted to type way more about my situation and how my first day of class went, but I’m out of time folks.)

Ta!

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Jenai’s Chronicles of Online Dating. Part Three.

March 13, 2009 at 10:17 pm (Uncategorized)

So, alright, I’ve been sooo busy lately that I’ve completely not been on the ball with my online dating blogging. So to remedy my absence, I’ve decided to fill you in on the latest of the dating fiasco that is me.

Brad’s out, and no longer in the picture at all. First of all, everything that I liked about him went up in steam. Pouf, gone, vanished. I don’t know if I mentioned this in the last blog post, but I had sent him an email explaining to him how happy he made me (mostly because he was a gem to me while I had an issue I was ashamed to face so early on in our dating relationship), and that I was looking forward to meeting him soon—because honestly, if he could be that great while I was having a dehydration attack, he would definitely be someone I can see keeping around. But not only did he not reply to that email, he refused to answer my phone call and text message.

Notice I made each of those singular words. I did not send him countless texts, emails, or voice messages, because there was really not a big enough relationship to try to salvage after his silence. But I did leave him just one message of each medium to figure out what was going on. Basically that super sweet, caring guy I was dating was too chicken shit to tell me that he didn’t think things would work out with us, from his perspective. Big time turn off. In the long run, all that did for me was grant me a huge sigh of relief for not falling hard for someone totally not worth my time. I may be a big ball of nerves, but I’d have had the spine to let him know if I thought things were just not gonna work out between us.

So yeah, in other news, I’ve not really had any time to date anyone else through Match.com because of my new job. Working has totally rejuvenated my soul, too. I was so nervous with Brad before, because dating him felt like too much play that I could have been dedicating to finding a job. So in a way, I always felt guilty for having fun instead of getting much needed employment. The day I got a job was the day Brad stopped talking to me to. Ironic, isn’t it? The freakish ball of nerves that probably made him not want to talk to me vanished the moment I got my job, and now I feel great about myself. Of course, I probably would have dumped his ass if he didn’t shy away from me once I got a job.

Let me explain why I say that. One, me working equals a more self-confident, vivacious, me. I’m in charge of my life, no one else is—and I look for that kind of take-control attitude in others. Brad, although he was sweet while he lasted, really didn’t have that go-getter attitude that usually attracts me. Point in case, he missed a pretty important meeting that could very possibly lead to a better job, all because he forgot to get a regulation hair cut. What did that say to me, that said he is a flake, and not worth my time. But maybe I just read into the little fnck-ups too much. Who knows. I’m pretty picky when it comes to the men I date, and if a guy can’t be on the ball for himself, what makes me think he’ll be on the ball for me ever? So yeah, although I thought Brad was being an ass for just severing the connection between us, it was definitely a good thing for him, because I’d probably get pretty tired of his slacker attitude.

He might have a heart of gold, but the lack of a spine and any sense of job-related responsibility totally overshadowed the attractive qualities, including his adorable looks. No amount of charm is going to win any admiration from me if he can’t get the job he wants because he forgot to get a haircut. Can we say “lame?”

Alright, now that I’ve basically described my suddenly severed potential relationship as much as I could without totally paining poor Brad as the ass he might not totally be, I’d like to now rant about the other men in my life: my bosses. One boss is more my “boss” over the other, but it’s hard to decide who to listen to when they are night and day in how they do things, and both are really great to work for, when I know what’s going on.

Here’s the basic story. We have boss one, whom I’ll call Mr. J, and boss two, whom I’ll call Mr. M. So, the history between them is, as I understand it, Mr. J owned many restaurants, and as an accomplished entrepreneur, got his best friend Mr. M into the self-owned business game. Oddly enough, Mr. J never had the same charisma and ability to sell anything like the natural talent Mr. M has, so in the grand scheme of things, Mr. M went ape-wild in his business, making the big bucks selling sun glasses, and meanwhile, Mr. J’s restaurant businesses weren’t doing so hot. Since it was Mr. J who got Mr. M into the business world from the start, Mr. M felt a form of strong gratitude to Mr. J for getting him started (Mr. J also has a young son, so the business has to go well for the kid’s sake.) So I’m guessing, by way of interpreting the story for myself, that Mr. M gave Mr. J the sunglasses business I’m currently working at, as a way to keep from going under after other barely surviving business attempts.

Now, just so you all know, this might not be the case, but this is what I’m guessing is happening, based on what I’ve been told my Mr. J and Mr. M at different times.

Still with me? I know all the Misters are getting out of hand, but it’s hard to make my point when I am trying not to talk shit about my bosses… haha. So anyway, Mr. J now owns a new sunglasses business that he hopes does as well as Mr. M’s sunglasses business. Who knows if this thing will go anywhere, but because Mr. M knows all about this, and Mr. J is just getting into it, I’m having a hard time knowing which boss to listen to. Technically Mr. J is my main boss, but it’s Mr. M who knows what he’s doing, and is an amazing boss to work for. Not that Mr. J isn’t a good boss to work for, but I feel like I don’t get any explicit instruction from him, whereas I always feel I know what I’m doing after a few words from Mr. M. But again, it’s because Mr. M has a better grasp of this business than Mr. J right now.

So yeah, in other news, what I want to do is tell Mr. J to let me handle everything, including my own schedule, and hiring/firing other employees, just so I can be sure that the job gets done the way Mike trained me to get it done. I know that sounds pretentious of me, because I just started this job, but I feel I have gotten everything down, and could be an amazing manager if I were given the authority to do so. And this other kid that works for Mr. J is pissing me off. Every time I go to work, I find the store not the way I left it. There are boxes out of place, and glasses missing off the display… and I’m tired of cleaning up after this other kid. I want to hire and train someone to do the job up to Mr. M’s standards, because I feel that I’m already doing everything perfect now that I’ve made and learned from the unavoidable new employee mistakes. But that might be me tooting my own horn, too. But I think I’m a damn good employee for just starting, and this other guy is so making mistakes I’ve never made and would never make.

Oh well.

That’s all I got for now…

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Just for fun…

March 5, 2009 at 4:36 pm (Uncategorized)

I took a personality quiz recently and just wanted to post the results!

Here they are:

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

…I had three people tell me that was all too accurate. I guess I feel good about that. :)

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Jenai’s Chronicles of Online Dating. Part Two.

March 5, 2009 at 4:13 pm (prolixity) (, , , , )

This post is primarily a response to my friend Julia, who commented on the previous blog. Wow, did you go all out on this or what! :P    Thanks! I don’t think you missed a single point for commentary, and I appreciate that. (I love how thorough you are in everything you do.) Haha. Well, now I want to zero in on two points you’ve made, because I’m not sure, but I think they mean something important, and I’d like to rehash over them a bit and pin point how I can become a better date to a deserving guy…

Okay, point one: “an open person is apt to interpret a lack-of-communication as a lack of interest.”  I never thought of that, but it makes total sense. I’ve always been less talkative than most people (I have my moments like anyone, but rarely do just talk for the sake of talking.) Do you think it’s possible that he feels I’m rejecting him because I am naturally contemplative? Maybe if I made a conscious effort to speak up more, he will “feel” that I am actually in to him?

On a side note, my aunt actually talked to me about the same thing, only instead of it being communication focused, it was public display of affection (pda) focused. We were actually talking about her boys and their girlfriends, but it redirected to me, because I made a comment that my whole life I never understood why people would do anything “relationshippy” in public, but recently have had an opposite sentiments. She didn’t pry into what I meant be the comment (thankfully) but her conclusion was this: Most people will feel rejected if the date does not make any effort to do any pda. I remember I was immediately depressed that maybe my own no-touchy-in-plain-sight issue was making Brad feel like I didn’t want to touch him at all. Which is so not true. In fact, (against my usual) I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me when the police officer was talking to us that third date, because I wanted to feel like he wanted to protect me. I know that sounds waaaaaaaaay strange and absolutely un-Jenai-like, but the feeling I had was so unlike me and strange for me that I actually just stood next to him, debating on whether or not it was socially acceptable to grab onto him like I needed his support that way. (I am nearly positive I am unfit to be a normal girlfriend after typing this all out. I love how much I learn about myself when I type. It’s scary but useful.) LOL

Okay, point two: “If you knew him through a friend, would you invite him to meet your family after three dates? It does sound very hard not to know much about his background or have anyone else who knows him to talk to him about. That definitely would be hard! But if he’s basically said he’s not ready, then rushing things could turn him off.” Okay, I agree that I should not rush things because it may be too soon for the both of us, but when it comes to my former boyfriends, all of them met my friends and family really quick, because one, at least someone I knew knew the guy too. But because this is totally different, I don’t know how long to wait before I ask him to meet my family. I decided before I ever starting the online dating thing that I would invite a guy I liked/met to meet the fam. after 5 successful dates. That sounded reasonable to me, because it worked in the past with dates I met through mutual people. So why would this be any different? But then I thought of another problem, which I fully intend to ask Brad about, but I don’t want to ask him until our next date, but… I want to know if the fact that we met on an online dating site makes him ashamed to tell people about me. The only reason I wonder that is because when we went to his house to pick up his dogs, he asked me to stay in the car because he didn’t want to have to explain me to anyone. It didn’t hurt my feelings that he said that, because I interpreted it to mean that it was too soon to invite the date into the home in general (as I wouldn’t have invited him into my house at that point,) but then I wondered later as I became more interested in him meeting my aunt and uncle if maybe he was just apprehensive about telling anyone that he met me online. Online dating is still so new and there have been more flaws with it than the old fashion way of meeting people (of course, statistically speaking, it’s probably an equal balance of success and failure, due to the fact that online dating just opens up the number of people you can meet…) but anyway, I digress.

I guess because it was so easy for me to tell my family, “Oh, by the way, I met a guy on Match dot com who seems promising, and I’m going out to meet him tomorrow, is that going to ruin any of your plans?” that I never thought that maybe it would be harder for him. So I want to ask him.

And on that note, I wonder if he will be patient enough with me to learn that once I feel I know someone better, I can be just as blunt and straight forward as he is. I mean, I know I come off as the ice queen when people first meet me, but that all melts away pretty quickly under the proper conditions. One sure fire way for the ice to shatter is for the guy to meet my family and friends and have them receive him warmly. I know the “bros before hoes” doesn’t exactly work for me (and I’d never take it to the extreme for which it was intended) but there’s a bit of truth in that phrase for me which says that if my friends and family like my date, then my judge of character is still in tact. I think I have decent judgment of who a person is, but I still like my opinions to be challenged, and having Brad meet my people would really help that process along.

And it doesn’t help that the one and only girl my age that I know here also met her current boyfriend a few weeks ago online (MySpace), and already she has met his family and he’s met hers, and they hang out his friends. This girl is also from out of state and just moved here for work, and the creepier part still is that her online date also works at an airport, just not the one Brad works at. (I can’t remember if I mentioned that Brad works for the airport or not, but yeah, he does.) Anyway, so I just met this girl, Jessica, yesterday. She works with my aunt and so naturally, we got set up to meet, based on these similarities:

*we both just moved to Texas.
*we both are dating guys we met online who work at the airport.
*we both are living with family until we can get on our feet.
*we both are 24 years old.
*we both don’t have any other friends besides our families and online dates.
*we both are fresh out of a recent long-term relationships, before starting over online.

So what does this tell me? Well, besides telling me that working at the airport somehow directly correlates to looking for love via the interwebs, it tells me that my situation is not unique and that maybe my little bout of essay writing on the subject could do more than just me some good, so I shall continue to write my chronicles of online dating, because not only is it extraordinarily therapeutic for me, but maybe someone like me might happen along my musing and get a figure out what it is they might be doing right or wrong through my successes and failures.

Alright, so talking with Jessica, I’ve learned this about her: she’s still hasn’t totally fallen out of love with her ex and hasn’t let her new beau in on that little tidbit, because obviously there’s something about the new man that has her heart aflutter. This is interesting to me, because I honestly believe I am so far over my last long-term relationship that I shouldn’t have anything holding me back in my dating experience.

And herein lies the irony: The way Jessica described the relationship she has with her online date made me slightly envious. She’s got pictures of the two of them together on her camera already and they do stuff with each others’ families. They already are in that comfortable stage, even though she’s still holding on to her past love, and even going to see him (he tragically had a recent/bad car accident and is in ICU) and her new guy is understanding that she’s going to drive the six hours soon to see her ex.

Then there’s me. I have no such strings holding me down… no emotional attachment to my ex, and yet I didn’t just fall into a easy zone like Jessica and her guy. I have a couple theories on why that is.

First, it’s because Jessica has a job. Granted I just got one and start tomorrow, having a job gives a girl a work schedule to work with. So when she has her days off, she can devote them to dating without feeling a twinge of guilt that she could be doing more to settle herself. Every date with Brad I’ve been on so far, I’ve had this underlying guilt that is reminding me that I should not be enjoying a great guy’s company while my life is still so up in the air. Now that I have a job though, and know my days/times off, I feel I will be able to enter a date now without having other cares holding me down.

Second, as my dear friend Julia (Q) mentioned in her comment to me the prior post, my most recent and long-term relationship with a cross-cultural one. And therefore the rules of dating were completely different. Apples and Oranges. Jessica and her past and present guys were all American, and only played by the American dating constructs. My most recent relationship was not so clear cut in the rules of engagement, and all my other relationships were not taken seriously by me, so I have less to work from, experience-wise. I think that although I feel I have no emotional ties to my ex the way Jessica might to hers, I have psychological chains in place from dating a man from a culture that prides itself on it’s ability to survive without direct language. And by that I mean, compliments, I-love-yous, most forms of direct talking about problems, hold little meaning next to affirmative action. It was the post-culture for “actions speak louder than words.” And our relationship just happened to be non-pda based, as well. In a round about way, I could say that this relationship was completely the opposite of what a typical American relationship would look like.

So yeah, I think I need to relearn what it’s like to be American. I am American, but my entire college life was five years of working as an international peer advisor, or living in Japan, or basically studying world cultures and religions, and if you think about it, college is so global-centric, that it’s easy to forget what makes you culturally unique from everyone else. I’m sure that’s a shitty excuse for being such a dunce at dating, but in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I forgot how to be an American in some ways. Not that I’m claiming to be Japanese or anything stupid like that, but then again, Texas is so different from Washington state, and America is so different from every other country, that I might be having a slight identity crisis right now… haha.

Here’s what I’m pretty sure of right now, in regard to myself:
1.)    I’m 100% American; I love my country, and appreciate it more, since I’ve lived elsewhere.
2.)    I have no idea how the typical America girl (trying to find love) behaves with her date(s).
3.)    I was wrong about my opinion of pda. I want to experience it, I just don’t know how to go about doing it without embarrassing myself.
4.)    I might be ready to sacrifice my ego on that alter of embarrassment.
5.)    I absolutely want to create a stronger relationship with Brad, and let him see how highly I think of him.
6.)    I don’t know how to laugh anymore.
Number six was interesting to type, because I didn’t have to think about it. It just typed itself, which frankly shocked me. I deleted it, then typed it again after a moment of contemplation. I mean, I can laugh and do… but I’m starting to think that my laughter purely reactionary, and I can’t just laugh for the sake and joy of laughing. I tried it. I failed. It’s really weird to discover that you’re incapable of something simple. But I honestly can’t laugh without first being introduced to something I comprehend as being funny or happy.

This realization actually pleases and terrifies me. It pleases me because now I feel that I will never be faking laughter. For Brad that’s a good thing, because I will never laugh at him if I truly think he’s not funny. That’s showing honesty, and I really want to play up how honest I am. But the terrifying part is this: I thought laughter was supposed to be an easy, natural thing. If I can’t just laugh for the sake of laughing, then what else can I not do for the love of it? I wonder if I’ll figure it out.

Well, that’s all I have for now. I may not have more to say about online dating until I’ve had another date with Brad. I’d love to let you all know how the next one turns out and if I come to any other conclusions about myself or about the bizarre and fiery hoops one must face in the world on online dating.

Until next time, dear readers. And please comment at will. I would love to hear your thoughts and see your discussions.

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Jenai’s Chronicles of Online Dating. Part One.

March 4, 2009 at 4:44 am (prolixity) (, , , , )

Because I’m not into the old fashioned way of discovering chemistry, I’ve decided to try my hand at online match making. Here’s the first installment of my experience (thus far).

So I wonder if I’m doing the whole dating thing wrong. Let’s see… I want to date someone, and met a guy that is so ridiculously sweet to me, I’m having a hard time knowing if it’s real. I know that I’ve not really had the enough relationships in the past to compare from… in fact most of my prior boyfriends were so unwilling to pay attention to me that I’m very unused to compliments and little touches here and there. I like it, but it’s so strange to me! And I’ve never been in a PDA relationship, so I’m trying to figure out where my boundaries could be if I would have some. I always thought I’d hate PDA, but lately I’ve been oddly hoping that my date would hold my hand or put his arm around me, and not be so careful of my feelings. And to top that oddity off, I wonder if my whole dating method is flawed because of my total lack of control over my life at the moment. I mean, I’m used to be the sole person in charge of my schedule. Now, I’m at the mercy of job hunting, living with family, and trying not to be too reclusive.

Okay, so let me tell you about my first few dates, and maybe you, my readers (all whopping few of you) could give me some pointers, and tell me what I’m doing wrong. I will try to tell you as much as I can, and as unbiased as I can, but keep in mind, I may be reading him all wrong, so here it goes.

So I meet this guy, Bradley, but prefers Brad, on Match dot com. He’s a doll, to put it mildly—very easy to look at face in an endearing kind of way. His personality is a little more sarcastic than I’m used to, and being as gullible as I am when it comes to indirect language, it’s hard to react appropriately to much of what he says, though I’m hoping I come off more cute than stupid.

So anyway, we first met at the Starbucks near where I live. It was an awkward meeting since I’d just officially moved to town (in fact, the day prior) and was supposed to go to my little cousin’s acting class with my aunt that night. So afternoon tea at Starbucks felt a little rushed to me. And on top of that, I didn’t drive myself and my aunt was going to pick me up, since I’m so not oriented to the busy Houston area roads.

So I lose points right away for being dependent on my aunt, which in turn makes me really nervous. That jittery nervousness is added to the fact that this is my very first time meeting someone I met online—someone whom I know absolutely nothing about yet, other than he has fantastic eyes and a smile that makes me grin like a fool. And let’s be real here, I’m a big-time blusher. Everything makes me turn crimson red, and so I spend the majority of our first date doing my best impression of a vibrating tomato.  Naturally, Brad picked up on the nervousness, and although I’m always a ball of nerves, it doesn’t usually show outwardly at all… so the fact that Brad was able to comment on my obvious state of social insecurity made it even worse for me. But Brad didn’t seem phased, so I was actually oddly relaxed with him while being a total nervous wreck. I can honestly say that his presence brings about a double whammy of emotions comparable to that of a Hindu cow and a chiwahwah recently released into the snowy Alps.

As I mentioned before, Brad has a tendency to use sarcasm and make little jokes to try to ease the situation. Which of course, I have little to no experience dealing with the crasser side of the English language. In all honesty, I would generally not like to date someone who is overly sarcastic, but Brad seems to get away with it without me getting upset. In fact, the only negative reaction I’ve had so far is to be confused or slow, which always (only too late) turns to relaxed humor. I’m sure Brad is getting frustrated with me for being a dumbass when he’s so on the ball, but that is purely speculation so far. Only time will tell if he gives up on trying to be witty with me.

In my defense though, all my friends are very literal and direct with everything, including humor. So I’ve never really had to juggle what fact and bullshit before. And Brad can be so incredibly honest looking while feeding me a line of bullshit, and I’m having a very hard time knowing what to do and how to react… but here’s the strange part, his way of thinking and speaking really cracks me up, but by the time I have processed what he’s said, he’s already pouting that I’m not laughing at/with him! At least, that’s how it feels. I want to tell him that once I figure out what he’s saying, I think he’s extremely funny, if not a bit ridiculous… which in turn creates this endearing quality about him that I seem to be attracted to, though I’m not sure how to tell him without making the awkward moments worse.

I mean, I’ve failed to convey all positive sentiments back to him, and he often says things like “yeah, I’m not very funny,” or “I’m a terrible story teller” in response to my lack of response. I want to argue with him, but he seems so down that I’m not sure how to alleviate the situation. I really envy him at times, too. He’s very quick to speak, whereas I’m very careful with what I say and how I respond. If I could type everything I’m thinking, it would come out much quicker, and clearer, I’m sure. But unfortunately I don’t have the luxury to communicate via text when we’re sitting face to face. So I guess I’m going to have to just practice not staring blankly ahead while I try to catch up to a humor I’m not used to participating in.

So despite the awkward first date, Brad was enthusiastic about asking me out again, and of course, I wasn’t going to say no because of my own retardation. Plus I was confident that the next date would be way easier, because now I won’t be so nervous. It was a good date, as far as I could tell, but still Brad made comments that I should relax more. I was actually very relaxed. First he took me to a café downtown for breakfast. It felt so much like the Seattle area that I wanted to kiss him for making me feel the most at home I’ve been since graduating from college and moving to the one State that could possibly be the arch nemeses of the state of Washington. Later he introduced me to his dogs, two beautiful boxers with the sweetest temperament. I instantly fell in love with them and started missing my own dog, Chola. I had to give her away for those of you who missed that part of my life. Anyway, Brad and I took his girls to the dog park, and they ran all over, enjoying the great day and playing with the other dogs. After they thoroughly wore themselves out, we took them home and went to the Galleria and the big water wall. It was a beautiful day, and we had fun just hanging out. I was still a little nervous, but it was more an easy nervousness, because I am an awkward girl by nature, on a date with a super cute, overtly flirtatious guy. So I didn’t think he saw me as being completely ridiculous.

But by the third date, I began to wonder if maybe I was wrong about his opinion of me. I don’t want to be viewed as a dishonest, hyper-skittish, over-protected girl with a nasty family and a tendency to pass out from vertigo or dehydration, but I’m pretty sure I’m coming off that way, as our first few dates have had been so out of my normal zone.

Anyway, before I jump into the third date, I’d like to catch up on all the things I’ve learned from the dates so far—organize my thoughts, if you will. Allow me to do a quick recap to center myself:

Brad has beautiful eyes and very kissable lips; he drops compliments like no other, and never misses a beat to say something cute to me. He also makes comments that are purely double entendre (but what guy doesn’t?). He’s clever, and I’m not used to being the slow one when exchanging witty commentary about life. So I feel I may have met my match, or worse, became retarded—an affect I’m sure has to do with his charm. In all seriousness, I’ve never felt so mentally slow around a guy. It’s like his smile is actually causing my I.Q. to drop. Very embarrassing… I mean, I have a BA in creative writing! A degree such as this one should come with it some semblance of creative and quick thinking. But when I’m with Brad, it’s a miracle if I can say one logical sentence correctly and without channeling a White Uakari. What’s up with that?! I’m usually so confident and sure… I have a personality that is separate from being totally ditzy and high schooly!

Sorry, digressed. The next notable thing about Brad is that he may honestly think I’m pretty, as he even used the word gorgeous on more than one occasion. Again, all the previous relationships I’ve been in have never had any foundation in flattery. I was the proverbial pageant girl as a child, a rebellious nightmare in my early teen years, a big girl/art nerd as an older teen, and then in college I was a very social, outgoing, smart woman with a steady boyfriend (well, when we weren’t on-again-off-again) a boyfriend who paid me no compliments, and only stuck around because we were too comfortable to change, except for the fact that we were planning on the four-year fling to be finite after graduation. Come to think of it, I may have never dated anyone I ever intended to have a lasting relationship with. I wonder if that bothers me? Anyway, the previous doomed-from-the-start relationships were fine with me while they lasted.

But Brad… he showed up during the time when I’m deciding to date with some degree of permanence. How do I handle his appreciative gaze when I am so unprepared to enter a real relationship? How do I respond to him when he tells me what he’s thinking? My ex(’s) never did that! So what am I to do with this? I have to give myself a crash course in normal communication, and proper dating behavior before I ruin my chances with a normal guy. At least, that is what I think I have to do. I might be wrong, and he still could be more of a nut-job than I am. I mean… I’m an recovering alcoholic/smoker, and a writer, who thinks too much, talks too little, and understands next to nothing. And here I am going on dates with a guy who suddenly makes me want to suppress all my quirks—quirks I used to own more gracefully than I seem to lately.

The worst part is Brad is seems absolutely concerned that I’m a nervous wreck all the time. And who could blame him? I’ve never felt so unsure of myself in my entire life! And I wonder… is it just because I met him on an online dating site? Is it because I don’t know anyone else who knows him that could vouch for him—say he’s golden? He is someone I want to get to know in a more personal level, but since I know so little of his background and him of mine, I’m worried that my carefulness with him is going to ruin a potentially good thing! The chance of him being someone I should be guarded around is slim to none, and I know this. So why am I acting so weird?

And I would like to invite him to dinner so my family can meet him, but I’m afraid he is unwilling to let me meet his friends and family, and I know he isn’t ready to meet mine because it’s still too soon for that sort of thing and comments have been made lightly that he isn’t ready. But on the other hand, my neurotic family would be less over-protective if they knew I knew his people and he met mine… but I don’t know how to tell him that, because he seems so willing to let it just be us for a while.

I like the just us part, but its hard to get to know him if we’re not ready to meet each other’s friends and family. And since neither one of us live away from family, it’s hard to spend quality time together without the whole tribe being involved.

I might also be a nervous wreck because I don’t know what I’m doing. As I’ve mentioned, I’d never met a guy that I didn’t know through someone else first. That does cause tension… more on my family’s part than my own, but their tension is making me over analytical of what I’m doing, and how he’s reacting to me. On top of it, I didn’t want him to know how many small medical issues I have that actually put a damper in my life, such as sudden dehydration for no good human reason. Past experience told me that the guys I usually date don’t want to date a girl who could get sick at any moment… which is what happened on the third date. I tried to cover it up but just got worse and sicker and before I knew it, I was being questioned in a not so happy way. And by that I mean he drug the answer out of me. After being forced to tell Brad what’s wrong, I not only looked like an ass, but a dishonest one.

The whole date just started off terrible. But although I think I really upset him, he was still extremely considerate of my heath and feelings, and tried his best to make me feel better—an act of kindness I’d never have expected from anyone. It made me feel worse in a self-tormenting way, like I didn’t deserve his tenderness. I mean, I almost know he was upset a little with me. I kept getting the feeling like he was looking sideways at me, as if trying to decide if he would want to put up with me any longer or not.

I’m also worried he doesn’t realize how appreciative I am of all he has done in the last three dates. Not to really talk myself down, but it takes a real saint right now to put up with me. And he seems to be doing everything right, and it’s just me that’s fncking up.

Anyway, the date ended with the police asking me out of his car to see if I was okay. Which was the second most exciting part of the date. They were looking for car burglars in the area, and we were sitting in his car talking when they questioned me. It was a shot of adrenaline I needed to get control of nerves enough to fight back the illness I was experiencing. (The best part was when he kissed me to make me feel better, though I couldn’t admit that to him, for whatever mental reason I gave myself at the time…)

Anyway, I tried to get together with him since that third date, but we just wouldn’t have enough mutual free time. And this weekend he’s going to a concert out of town, so I’m not sure when I’ll get to try and fix any damage I might have caused to our could-be relationship.

So yeah… in case any of you are wondering, online dating is not any easier than the old fashioned way. Easy to meet new people, maybe… but the dynamics of the game are alien.

That’s all I got for now.

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He Told Me He Dreamed In Color

February 19, 2009 at 7:35 pm (versification)

He Told Me He Dreamed In Color

but the memories were in grayscale,
and it doesn’t really matter.

I asked to hear a story of his past
long gone, if it weren’t elapsed.
He said,
“I was born in eighty-four,”
and that was that—was the past.

Then the sun drowned in the hills, dead
and floating in the fleshy,
white gold waves.
The last bees drew their evening’s
honey dust
as we lolled in the grains, awake.

It hurts to think his golden past
won’t amount to more than silver.
Every thought,
dream and memory,
for me, is full in water color.

Then a wasp landed
on my lips,
dug his feet into the gloss.
I wondered if there’s such a thing
as wanting what you’ve got.

I let his needles touch me,
wary of the sting.
His orange and blackness will
haunt me.
But he won’t remember a thing.

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I suck.

February 1, 2009 at 3:47 am (Uncategorized)

Yeah, I usually post more than this…. as INSANE as this may be, job hunting has actually made me not get around to typing! So what I’m saying is, I’m going to force myself to type more posts… starting by mid February.

Just so my readers know. (all like, ten of you.) *sigh*

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Pro-Choice vs. Pro-Life

January 18, 2009 at 1:12 am (Uncategorized)

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0CE5D91138F93BA35751C1A966958260

http://advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/main/publications/articles_and_reports/bishops_attack_on_pols_harms_all_us_women.php

Here’s an oldie but a goodie on the separation of Abortion the Health issue being looked at apart from the Abortion the Moral issue: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,957302,00.html

And just for fun, here’s one Catholic view of the sin in contraception: http://www.scborromeo.org/glad/c4.htm

My theory is, if they think that contraception is bad, and masturbation (spilling the seed) is just as sinful, then why has no Catholic teaching tried to outlaw menstruation? After all, menstruation is spilling an egg, isn’t it? It’s pretty much the same as spilling seed, right? So why are women allowed to menstruate, but men not allowed to masturbate? Is it because one is generally more pleasurable than the other? I’m betting that’s the only reason. Heaven forbid anyone have pleasure that doesn’t result in creation of some kind. Okay, I hope you enjoyed some of that information I found online. It was some of the data that has brought me to my own current beliefs. It was not taught to me or instilled in me, it was research I acquired for myself. I just wanted to pass it on, so that others may see where I’m coming from.

And on a side note, I hate that anti-abortion and anti-contraception proseletizers want to claim the title “pro-life.” After all, their “pro-life” laws have killed, and many of them would use capitol punishment to enforce their anti-abortion laws.  The very term “pro-life” has yet to be earned by anyone who supports capitol punishment or anti-abortion extremists, if you ask me. As far as I can tell, the Pro-Choice men and woman are far more deserving of the phrase Pro-Life than any of their opposition. But hey, I’m open to hear arguments to my latest statements.

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Just a quick Pro-Choice opinion.

January 14, 2009 at 4:24 pm (collywobbles, titubant)

I’m living across the street from a Planned Parenthood, and this morning there were a couple vehicles with huge signs attached to the backs, sporting large photos of aborted fetuses and the words: ‘ABORTION IS MURDER’ all over them. There are many picketers walking the sidewalks with their anit-abortion signs and slogans, and I wonder: if they are so committed to calling for the illegalization of abortion, then what do they personally think the punishment for illegal abortion violators should be? What would they condemn women who get an abortion with—what punishment?

I just want to walk up to them and ask. But if I did ask, I fear they will fail to give me a straight answer, and just fall back on the age-old argument that abortion is a form of murder. It’s exhausting to make a case against a blind arguer who knows so little about what they demand, that they quit before any real ground is covered. And it’s even more tiresome that these picketers feel that regardless of what the punishment is assigned to violators, the act of abortion should still be illegal, as long as they don’t have to feel like they are the stone throwers. So much for their courageous crusade…

I’ve heard many people argue that since they are not lawyers, they can not answer what punishment would fit such a “crime,” but then again, my own argument is: I’m not lawyer either, but even I can argue for the side of pro-choice without being ashamed of what I believe (like they seem so afraid to hand out punishment.)

To prove my point, here is my argument: First of all, a fetus is not biologically recognized as ‘sapien’ yet, according to its definition. Even at week 20, a fetus is NOT capable of autonomic life. What does this say to me? It says that by anatomical definition, a fetus could be no more classified than as a growth until at least the 26th week from conception, when the lungs can handle air without the aid of a machine or the womb. Conclusively, I assure my audience that a fetus cannot be murdered, and therefore women who have an abortion cannot be accused of such a crime. Without a crime, the act of abortion cannot be illegalized, as the pro-life supporters claim.

Further, because the fetus itself is incapable of living on it’s own apart from it’s parent host (the pregnant mother), I feel it is comparable to when a doctor must sever someone’s arm. An arm or leg cannot live apart from the body, but we don’t accuse an amputee of murder, even though the former appendage had suffered a “death” of sorts after being removed from the body. Personally, I think that until a child is born and capable of autonomic survival outside the womb, it is not a ‘sapien’ life form or a “human being” deserving of more rights than its parent host. The women who are alive and want the right to choose should be allowed such a privilege. After all, she is able to survive as a person– an autonomic and sound life. But that’s just my thoughts on the matter. Maybe I’m wrong.

But if I am, may God strike me down for believing that life is more complicated to achieve than mere conception.

Oh, and in challenge to my Pro-Life readers: If you could answer my question for me noted in bold at the top of this blog post, I’d appreciate it, and even state publically that you deserve a cookie.

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